Tag Archives: olympics

Basement Olympics

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Hockey on ice is for suckers. Hockey in the basement is for idiots……especially if you are the goalie, playing against your older brothers and their older friends.

The Winter Olympics are upon us and it brings back some nostalgia. Of course the 1980 USA Men’s hockey team “Miracle on Ice” will forever be embedded in our minds. Our “idiots on ceramic tile” will only be embedded in the blood stained grout of our basement floor.

We needed equipment. Since ice is usually required for ICE hockey, we didn’t have any so skates weren’t an issue. Needing a puck, we didn’t have one of those either. Sticks? Pfff, we are not from the Midwest. Masks? Bravery and stupidity had to replace those. Therefore, we improvised.

My old man had a few golf clubs which were hand me downs from the doctors he worked with in Spokane, Washington. Those became our hockey sticks. The golf balls within his bag became the pucks. Baseball gloves were a primitive form of goalie defense.

We already had a goal. That was the four by eight closet on the south side of the basement. This goal required a goalie. Who was man enough, or dumb, enough to handle this position? The answer to this question is simple. Me. When I entered the goalie area with a baseball chest protector and one of my brother’s groin cups, I felt properly protected. However, I wrapped the cup around my face and a brother informed me where it actually belongs and where it should remain. I was now fair game for the brothers and friends. My baseball glove became my only means of protection.

We had fun. The price I paid was worth it. The miracle of our “idiots on ceramic tile” basement olympics was that no one lost any teeth, and only a few windows were broken. Let the olympic spirit live.

Olympics in Scotlandia

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At the age of seven, I was hooked on the Olympics even if I had to watch it on a black and white television set.  This year, I had a rough time enjoying it because I don’t have a love for Curling. My wife and I were forced to watch the Olympics in Scotland. We weren’t kidnapped, but customs made us feel as though we were.

I’d prefer curling the lack of my hair as opposed to watching it in the Olympics.  However, the Scottish announcers were downright funny, which, in the middle of the night, provided entertainment. The announcers were relentless with their observations taking it to a point where at times thought we were watching Saturday Night Live.   I will provide some quotes which I noted.

This was downhill skiing : “That guy looked like he was getting on a new bike with no pedals on Christmas.”

Seriously, it felt as if you were watching commentating from two guys at a Scottish pub.

Snowboarding:  There was a crash, and rather than wondering if their health was intact, they stated, laughing and quite loudly I might add, “These are two birds well crushed out”.

 

An additional snow skiing moment: We witnessed a crash that looked as if someone could have been critically injured.  The drunken commentators screamed with excitement.  “Oh wow! (laughing and slapping themselves on the shoulders). “That looked  like Evil Kenieval, Mate”.

Ski cross in Sochi

Hilarious photo finish for ski cross event, per the BBC One Scotland commentators. It really was hilarious if you think breaking legs and ribs is funny.

Snowboarding again and another crash:  “Those snow boarders crossed flailing like a cat of nine tails.”

After an Olympic athlete’s dream was demolished, they would stagger down and ask, “What were you thinking?”

My wife and I would look at each other laughing and wonder what the hell they meant and then wondered how many pints they had absorbed before this magnificent event.  Since nobody died, it was good to be in  the magically goofy land of Scotland.