Jitterbug Rules

My mother has had many nicknames over the past eighty some years.  Most have pertained to her eyesight and hearing issues, but others have regarded her technical skills, or hatred there of.  There’s Helen, or HK.  Most people would find this to be a magnificent nickname because of Helen Keller’s remarkable quest and breakthrough to communicate.  Mom only rolled her eyes when we’d refer to her as Helen.  This just after  a waitress asking her if she wanted eggs with her toast, her reply might be, “No, I don’t want legs with my host…..that’s ridiculous.”

Ma Barker, another nickname she despised, was only derived from a history book her seven sons didn’t read.  We were too busy playing baseball and football in the backyard.  When we were instructed to do homework, our idea of reading a chapter was reading the bold letters introducing the chapter.  “Did you do your home work?”

“Yeah, we read about Ma Barker.”

Little did we know upon non further review, Ma Barker was a murderer and common thief.  Our mother, quite the antithesis.  Ma Barker  had four sons who committed most of the crimes she convinced them to commit.   Since we weren’t into details, when we’d refer to her as Ma Barker, she would become uncommonly angry and say, “Do you even know anything about her?”  I think my mom’s seven sons could only assume Ma Barker was the mother of the great Bob Barker from “The Price is Right”.  Wrong.  We should have guessed that was the wrong answer when the next chapter wasn’t titled, “Son of Ma Barker”.  It was titled, “Death and Imprisonment”.

Mom received other lesser known titles such as Amelia Bedilia, Mither, Mommy Fearest or Dearest, but she is entitled to two further nicknames providing her essential identity and capturing the love which has never emptied her tank……especially when her children were running on empty.  The first being Jitterbug, and the last being Mom.

Even your mother can use the Jitterbug cell phone.

Communicating with our mother via anything was a disaster.  Many of my sisters have sought counseling over not being capable of saying the words, “I love you”, because she, literally, or perhaps deliberately, can’t hear them over a cell phone.  My mom is pretty sharp so literal and deliberate take on different connotations regarding her prowess.  Many of my siblings gave up.  When “I love you so much”, comes out like, “I’ll shove you so much,” it becomes verbally taxing.  Then along came Jitterbug.  The answer to all our communication prayers.  Lord knows we wouldn’t take the time to write this glorious woman a letter.  That’s Blasphemy in today’s tech world!

Like an 8″ by 12″ picture frame, my mom can hang this Jitterbug cell phone on the wall and clearly see each number while pressing the keys with the palm of her hand.  It’s cutting edge technology.  And, much like my mother, it’s cool.

When I call my mother on the Jitterbug, I use her most mysterious nickname……Mom.  She’s earned that one.

 

 

A Pony’s Tale (I’ll have another t-one for the road)

Most of my writing consists of stories regarding my life or others’ lives.  They are observations and sometimes manifestations of everyday occurrences.  My life is a bit mundane, but when you are truly fascinated with a man you believe shouldn’t exist, you are compelled to write about him.  I’m a writer.  Therefore, I love writing about a man I know quite well.

Writing about him a year ago, you may remember him as T-One.  Not pronouncing his S’s properly, when in school, upon asked about his name, he was not “Stephen”  He was T-One.   T-One is his alias just prior to entering his phone booth, which also maintains an alias……His Tavern.  This is where T-one becomes Steve…….or Tooperman.

My life has been blessed by this man who, when entering a room, can light up the atmosphere like a nineteen seventy joint.  His smile is genuine, his laughter is sincerely infectious, and his love for those surrounding him is real.  So is HE.  He’ll make an effort to stop at any crosswalk for any form of life.  However, when someone chooses to disrespect him, he runs into a tavern, changes his clothes, turns a shade of green, and places those who have cross walked him into another shade of green.

This is folklore for the boring life I lead.  Steve is a man amongst gentlemen.  He’s one of the finest gentlemen I’ve crossed.  But, I wish those who read this take heed, for the most kindest, forthright, and generous of human beings can change his kindness channel to the rage channel with the flick of his wrist.

Here’s the lack of punchline.  A man wearing a pony tail (that’s funny right there)  walks into a bar and proceeds to drink a beer and talk at the same time.  He gurgles and gobbles while the owner of the bar, who maintains his true identity known as “Steve” watches and waits for him to shut up.  It never happens.  Therefore, Steve tells him to shut up and drink his beer.  The patron then proceeds to approach another Tooper Hero known as Turner.  Pony Tail patron tells Turner he is going to beat Steve up.  Turner turns to him and says, “you may want to rethink that, buddy.”  Pony Tail then decides, with no infinite wisdom to approach, accost, and alleviate my brother, Steve, from his simple world.  That’s when Steve enters the barroom bathroom, takes off his hat and becomes Tooperman.  Tooperman then, over the course of maybe five seconds, escorts this patron out by the use of his Pony Tail.  Tooperman always finds a weakness in anyone, just so he can enjoy the weekend.  The Pony’s tail was this guy’s Achilles heal.

As a man who doesn’t approve of violence (not quite a pacifist), Tooperman decided to use this pony tail as his weapon of mass confusion.  He whipped him around the bar like a carnival pinwheel while, without hurting him, stated, “You don’t come into someone’s bar and try to get in a fight with a pony tail!”  The man was escorted by Tooperman out with not a person or Tooper Hero getting hurt.

The A moral to the story is………and lack of punchline, don’t enter a bar with a pony tail anticipating a fight when it’s not the owner’s first rodeo.  You will lose.

Enough about anger and good management, let’s watch some baseball.  Now that’s FUN!

 

 

 

 

E (Extra) True Hollywood Story

Now years ago, I worked for the county, which I believed was the only job in the world where you did indeed receive pay for napping on the job.  For years, I’ve searched the world and elsewhere to find its equal.  Elusive as it was, much like finding socks to match my dirty white t-shirt, I found it.  It is in Hollywood.  And, this is your Extra True Hollywood Story.

I know two professional actors.  Both are my dear friends.  One, an accomplished actor, working in over a dozen movies, appearing in countless T.V. episodes and having a lead role in a Soap Opera for six years as well as directing, writing and starring in an award winning independent film.  He shall remain anonymous.  His father shall not.  Marshall, some eighty years of age, give or take a few decades depending on his attitude, is also an accomplished thespian and former broadcaster, having worked the commercial junction, as well as many plays and a pivotal role in his son’s independent film.  Both have credentials, but you decide which one has mastered the art of making money the easy way.

Marshall’s son belongs to S.A.G..  (Screen Actor’s Guild).  This is a common union for actors who must pay their dues while scraping for money in between jobs and when that acting job arrives, they must memorize lines I can’t even read.  It is definitely work mixed with some formidable humility.  Marshall belongs to another cult referred to as E.S.A.G. (Extra Sophisticated Actors’ Gag)…..No fees, paid naps and no contracts.  Brilliant.  I’d apply but no one in their right mind would accept a person less than eighty years of ageless beauty……or were diagnosed with narcolepsy.  I may be an actor at home, but I can’t play one on T.V..  My friend, Marshall, now referred to as “Method Man Mark”, has the ability to nap whenever he chooses.  This is legitimate acting.

Auditioning as a comatose patient on “Grey’s Anatomy”, Mark nailed it.  Falling asleep during the audition landed him an undisclosed amount of money fooling those in Hollywood.  Bravo.

But, could he bring his craft to the set on this gurney, while one hundred or so people were expecting him to be in a coma?  Yes.  In fact, this is THEE God’s honest true story.  He literally, for thirty minutes, fell asleep in the gurney as the best extra ever to nap on a prime time show.  Being in such a deep sleep, the directors were wondering if he was flat lining, but the only prop available was an old Atari monitor.  Shaking him, they urged him to get out of character, and as usual, he awakened with an eighty year old cantankerous attitude solidifying an additional spot on the show.

And then, that’s when his creative art of napping on cue came to a definitive halt.  He began negotiating with Hollywood executives as to when and where he should fall asleep. They threw out times such as “noon”, but Marshall refused because that was cottage cheese and jello time.  They mentioned five o’clock P.M. and he tore up the studio, and also  threatened them to whip them with the belt he left behind at the airport during a routine security check earlier at L.A.Xtra.  It was all falling to pieces of nap rage.

His last moment of sanity was to make a legitimate deal keeping all extras and executives happy.  Under no circumstances, should he be held under contract by MGM to be forced hostage in a gurney while there was an Early Bird Special at Denny’s featuring “Moons Over My Hammy.”

OK, I added some salt and pepper to the story.  I couldn’t help it.  Proudly, I can say with complete honesty and with Marshall’s consent, he did fall asleep during the filming.  The best cash he ever made.  There’s nothing like method napping.

Blazing Saddles – Napping on the Job

 

Celebration or Sell A Break Something?

(If it ain’t breakin it, don’t go tryin to fixin it)  Did I quote that cliche properly?  Did y’all hear me?

I’m celebrating today for three reasons.  One:  I have happily, officially and strangely conquered two years of marriage. That’s a personal record.  Thank you very much.  Two:  My anniversary gift to my wife was much like Christmas Eve.  If you are fortunate enough, you are allowed to open one gift prior to the next day when Jesus condemns you to Hell for only going to church once a year.  On our anniversary evening, I gave her the gift of patience.  (luckily….years ago, I gave up gambling……that may have something to do with it)

After watching a full day of college football, I didn’t throw one remote uncontrolled hat, wiffleball bat, cat, or even a couch off our deck.  I did consider tossing our house guest off said deck while watching The University of Washington Huskies lose yesterday.  But, I looked at my wonderful wife, and she provided a look which only can be described as this……………………………………did you get that look?  That’s the only way I can describe it.  The Hulk, Catwoman, or even the dynamic duo of Elton John and the band formerly known as Wham can’t match her eyeballs of terror.

Three:  I’m celebrating my second year of complete sobriety…………oops, I mean honesty.  I drank myself silly yesterday.  I am sending this out to cyberspace before my wife can read it.

(I hope the people, especially the in-laws, Earl and Gail, can discern my sarcastic tone)

Happy Anniversary to all including my current wife.

She’s gonna kill me.

The Truth and The Washington State Cougars (college football amateur hour)

The Washington State Cougars:  Are you sure you still belong in Division 1 Football?

This blog is going be just as random and amateurish as the game I witnessed last night.  I offer my sincere apologies for thinking my alma mater would show up.   Actually, they did arrive exactly the way I never wished to imagine…..wearing colors representing losers. I’m supposed to be a semi-educated man.  Where is my brain when I need it the most, and why do I have any expectations for this program?

As the great Nancy Kerrigan stated, “why why why?”, I have to admit those words came to mind as I watched opening college football amateur hour last night.  WSU.  Need I write more?

I should have titled this “Set Low Expectations”  That way no one gets hurt.  “Sir, put the remote control and your bat down and step away from the T.V.”.

Last night, my wife and I were driving back to Seattle feeling somewhat hopeful.  We wished to make it back home from a business trip to watch the first, and for me last, game of our alma mater’s college football season.  Sometimes I forget, this is a recipe for a crimson and gray debacle.  We weren’t necessarily convinced that Washington State would win the upcoming game, but with a new coach and a new year, we were hopeful that they wouldn’t embarrass themselves.  Again……these are indeed low expectations.  Losing 30 to 6, against a solid team known as BYU,  even growing up a Catholic, I’m considering converting to a team which wins.  BLASPHEMY!

I’ll make this brief.  Graduating with a degree from Washington State University provides a sense of personal fulfillment.  Knowing the Cougar’s football team will remain terrifically and embarrassingly dreadful FOREVER gives me a sense of relief.  I only threw one wiffleball bat during the course of last night’s game.  Then, I reminded myself, or perhaps it was my wife reminding me of my immature behavior resembling the Cougar football team.  I officially waved the white flag at halftime, because I remembered when I cared.  Giving up is somewhat of a virtue.

Much like throwing a colossal F bomb on a golf course after you lose all your balls, it makes you feel a little better.  Then, you move on and accept you’re just not good enough to play the game.  I don’t golf anymore and my career of being phony is over.  I wish the WSU cougars could accept that fact.  My wife (also maintaining a degree from Washington State University) isn’t over it quite yet, but I have been for years accepting the truth regarding a load of boys in Pullman, Washington wishing to compete in football.  Tossing bats, cats and remotes during a college game only causes marital friction, and that’s a fact son.

Here’s the exact fact.  If you wish to root for any team in the great state of Washington, make certain you have an even greater pain tolerance for losing.   I don’t anymore, and that’s why I write softly and carry a wiffleball bat instead of the Louisville Slugger required to bash in that television screen while wasting a night thinking, just for one tenth of a second, my alma mater may succeed.

This was written with a bit of writer’s Incredible Hulk anger, so forgive me if it sounded as such, but writing is far more therapeutic than injuring a television when my skin turns green.

A little side note:  Our house guest, ironing his University of Washington Husky shirt last night, thanked me for not tackling him during the course of this epic disaster of a football nightmare in our living (and Coug dying) room.

F the Cougs.  End of Story.

Unfair Weather Fan (Waiting to Inhale a World Serious)

Waiting is not a virtue.  Punctuality is.  I’ve been waiting 35 years for the Seattle Mariners to deliver a World Series.  The lack of punctuality existing is clear, and even the lack of a World Series they haven’t bestowed has become irrelevant.  I’ve waved the white and blue flag, surrendering my allegiance to this group of players.

Returning from a four day vacation to Los Angeles, the city of Angels and baseball, leaves me with a dull impression on my mind.  There were indeed Angels in Los Angeles, and they were sitting right next to me at Dodger Stadium, also known as “The Chavez Ravine”.   The Angels may be a team in LA, but the Angels on this night were my wife sitting with me and my two friends, Trevor and Marshall.

Trevor, and his father, Marshall, were hosting this baseball party lasting from the first inning rib Trevor grilled at his home, until the ninth inning at that glorious ravine.   It was a fabulous night amplified with cheering at the proper moments, sighing at improper moments, and happily devouring peanuts without even recognizing your belly was already full of the magnificent ribs provided prior to the game.  We ate those peanuts like we were mad at them.  Watching the Dodgers and rooting for them from the tender age of I don’t remember, this was significant and winning nostalgia.  (Their triple A club….”The Spokane Indians” was located five minutes away from our home in the mid seventies.  This is why I followed and worshiped a team that would eventually deliver a boy a World Series.)

Fast forward to the year 2012 where I recently sat with my friends at The Chavez Ravine.  The Dodgers won, and now, I, once again, love the Dodgers and the city.

So, thanks to those friends and true men who love and respect the sport (Trevor and Marshall) for reminding us of how much fun the game can be.  Some people, owners, and Generally Stupid Managers forget.  I never do forget.

P.S. Go back and read this as though it was the voice is Steven A. Smith from ESPN.  He’s terrifical, magical, and glorious.  See . . . Frank Caliendo Impersonates Stephen A. Smith

 

Day Three and He Still Smells Good (Nathan’s Blog…2012)

“After two days, they smell like dead fish.”  That was one of my dad’s lines.  House guests sometimes are like permanent markers.  Shall I proceed further with this matter?  I think that sums it up.

They call him Nathan Nypen, brother of Natalie Nypen.  Misspelling their names intentionally, I only wish to save them from scrutiny when our picture hits the nightly news.  If he stays more than three days at our humble home, I may be forced to permanently injure him, just as he did to me two long days ago.

Engaged in the most fiercest of games known to somebody as “Scrabble”, Nathan and I had a dispute over his lackluster play and his refusal to allow me to utilize a hand written apostrophe.  Nathan spelled the word “somebody” playing off of my wife’s “Y”.  So, since I keep a garden of tiles in my pocket referred to as “S” and “Blank”, I believed the apostrophe S would fit in properly to spell “Somebody’s”.  Sir Nathan Nypen then referred to me as Somebody’s Fool.  Foolishly, I could only assume he was referring to my wife, or even perhaps me.  Therefore, as any common cave dweller must do, I started a fight in your own living room.  I still forget sometimes I’m close to forty years of life.  My neck still hurts on day three because I merely wished to provide a friendly ass wiping (yes Dave W., I indeed  spelled ass wiping correctly) but I think Nathan wanted to kill me.  Being friends since the fifth grade, I didn’t think he would fight dirty, especially in front of my wife and in OUR living and dying room!

It was an amicable finale and my wife has since used the Scrabble tiles as Briquettes.  This irritates me because I prefer a friendly game of Scrabble to a fight.  Losing in Scrabble only hurts for three minutes.  My neck has hurt for three days, and we have to put up with this ass wipe for a month.  This isn’t fair.  Wait until I break out my stash of a board game known as “Monopoly”.  He won’t know what hit him.

Most of this is fictional, and Nathan (don’t call me “Nate”)  has been a dear friend of ours for many years. (That’s non fiction.) We have welcomed him to our home and I must say, having very few friends, he has made me feel young again this morning.  He has reminded me of the days when he was the fabulous high school quarterback and I was his scapegoat running back. Nathan dished the ball to me thirty times on Friday nights just because he knew my neck and entire body was going to be punished by eleven men all night under the lights.  I think he got a kick out of it.  It was payback for me stealing his mother, Patty’s, absolutely delicious chocolate chip cookies at lunch time.  They were so good, this clown was trying to sell them.  That’s when I chose to steal them.  It’s the peasant way of glaring at life with principle.

So, if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, it’s only because Nathan will still be here for another day, and I will be staying, rent free, in the local penitentiary after beating the holy crap out of him…………….in Monopoly.

Just wait until he gets a load of Cribbage.

 

 

An Ode to Bud and the Garden of Stephen

Some traditions and memories are etched in stone or a garden in one’s mind.  Stories told  by others are equally influential, even when you may have been two or three years old when they actually occurred or, perhaps listened to the stories twenty or thirty years later.  The stories may be tall, but upon research and definitive evidence, they sometimes result in the stone age cold truth.

I began writing this with the ambitious thought it may be about a character and a goofy or fun story, but as I think of the man I write about, it became more relevant to speak of a man’s past, his present (death), and his future.  His name was, and shall remain, Rosco Bud Weiser.

Bud was the king of my father’s friends.  Not recalling his height, weight, girth, and cap size, I can only recall that, in my eyes, he was ten feet tall.  He was the Paul Bunyon of Moses Lake, Washington, and he was the mountain of a man with which you climb and reach the pinnacle only to be relieved to acknowledge, upon reaching that peak, how magnificent the feeling was to discover a man who was just an official number two to your own father.  All thirteen of us children loved him.

Bud was from the South.  He carried his South to the Great Pacific Northwest.  Southern hospitality is one thing, but carrying words commonly used in the South is another.  He had no problem using the “N” word, although to him, it was to us crackers much like using the word, “toe head”, or, “pecker head”.  To him, it seemed to be a term of affection.  Blond headed, I hated being called “toe head”, and red headed, my dad hated being called a “pecker head”.  We all are offended in certain ways, one way or another, but there was something special my father witnessed in Bud: Kindness towards others, a fondness of life, a great sense of humor, and acceptance for all.

When my father first met Bud, I believe his initial reactions, since he used the “N” word, were to think of him as an uneducated redneck from Missouri.  Quite the exact way my father and most of my family can recognize a bunny from an ape.  We know people and animals.  We know good people.

For some odd reason, my father befriended Bud while Bud was delivering milk in Moses Lake.  Since, at that time, dad and mom had a family of about ten, (before a few of us were born) , we required many gallons of milk each week.  Both charismatic chaps, they immediately developed a bond.  Legend has it, while dad was inquiring as to why Bud would use terms such as the “N” word, or “monkey”, Bud just described it as “that’s the way my mama told me.”  Dad replied, “Then, why do you leave those gallons of milk on said individuals’ porches without asking for a cent?”  Replying quite timidly, Bud said, “It just seems like the right thing to do, Pecker Head.”

Bud didn’t hate anyone.  He loved life and for some unfathomable reason, Bud loved our family.  After a few years of delivering milk, Bud became a farmer.  And, he was a good one.  Upon harvest, Bud delivered excess crops to anyone in need of assistance.  Our family was very enormous but not in need of sustenance.  But the King of Kindness would show up with acres of corn and oodles of potatoes for our family.  That’s when we left the spiritual city of Moses Lake, to the orderly city of Spokane, because of our father’s occupation as a hospital administrator.  Dad and Bud remained friends.

My brothers and sisters weren’t welcomed into many homes.  Doctors, their phony wives, debutants, and the bourgeoisie of Spokane weren’t terribly inclined to host our family of 13 young ruffians from the lower middle class.  We were well behaved, (please and thank you) but when a simple fight broke out, chaos ensued.  Eventually we learned to simply leave Christmas gifts of scotch, brandy or beer on the Doctor’s porches and run like hell, avoiding any reluctant offers to enter their parties.

Bud was the only one to invite all of the Gannons to his 4th of July party, his home located just ninety three and half miles west from Spokane, Washington.  This was a station wagon vacation!

Mr. Bud Weiser had a pool.  For middle to lower class civilians, this meant only one thing: millionaire.  We were going to rock that party like it was ninety seventy nine.  That would make me about five.  Traveling from Spokane to Moses Lake was akin to venturing to the southern most part of the United States, Key West,  only we were just traveling west, not south east.  It’ didn’t matter.  There was a pool and a Bud.

His pool came with a garden.  This was a glorious garden, draped with gardenias, daffodils, roses (white red black and blue) lilacs, and a wrestling mat.  Strange how things grow with the proper maintenance.  Apparently, Bud received a two for one discount in exchange for his wife, who showed up at this party with disgruntled lips and sinister eyebrows, knowing this would become the demolition garden of men.

Bud’s introduction was always a poignant one leaving an impression on your ears.  He would laugh and say to our father, when seeing one more Gannon,  “look, another one!”……He’d then elevate you up by your ears and look you over to see if you were worthy of drinking his garbage can full of soda or a garbage can full of beer.  Those sodas led me to temptation, much more than the ears being pulled to the sky, therefore, the pain wasn’t an issue.  Bud would laugh and say, “gotta another one here, (directed toward my dad) you gonna have anymore…..NO?  Well then drink up, eat up and swim just after, cuz my wife aint’ lettin’ y’all in our house.”

It was just then when the garden party erupted.  I don’t know which one of the four brothers started wrestling in the garden, but I can, with great and utter conviction, write the garden must have been Stephen’s………(that’s a synonym for destroyed). After demolishing the garden, the party digressed.   Proceeding to throw everyone, excluding the chicken, into the pool, we all had a great laugh.

My mother was mortified.  My father only looked at Bud and said, “well, you got what you paid for”……Bud’s reply..  “I sure do love your family.  I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.”  That’s where we’d host Bud and his X wives’ deviled eggs.

The party never ended with this man.  He found joy surveying our laughter and rambunctiousness as well as the love we all felt from him when he picked us up by our ears and welcomed…….all of us, to his home.

Annually, Bud would visit us with a truck load of turnips, acorn squash, corn, and many veggies I can’t quite recall, other than the potatoes.  (Those would soon be our artillery when mom couldn’t cook enough).  We relished those visits because he seemed to be our dad’s last friend, living ninety some miles ago.

Bud died years later, and each of the brothers and sisters visited and thanked him for what he provided for us……..not the food, the beer, the soda, or even the pool.  We knew how much he cared for our love of life, and we thanked him for being a part of it.

My father taught him how to say the Rosary on his death bed.  Someone I don’t know read him his last rights.  It doesn’t matter.  He was my father’s friend, and my dad was his friend until the end.  That’s what matters.

But, I prefer to conclude with a happy note:  The happiest place on earth, other than our backyard, was ninety miles away at the home of a great man with a pool.  This man didn’t just welcome our family for years, he embraced us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s OK to Bleed at a Family Reunion, Isn’t it?

A couple of weeks ago, our family celebrated our reunion.  This is not a blog to bore everyone about a family no one really gives a crap about, other than us, of course. Rather, it is an educational piece which can be used by those who don’t properly know how to celebrate a reunion…..especially on the 4th of July, and if you have twelve brothers and sisters, their wives, husbands, children, grandchildren, uncles, aunts………yada yada you get the picture. Here’s the honest picture which bleeds 1000 words, but only one fist.

As a rule of thumb, or in this case, “fist”, the first way to make a grand entrance to your family reunion is to punch your nineteen year old niece in the nose, thus making blood and tears flow.  Reunions are much like writing; your introduction must develop interest in the remainder of the story or weekend.  We also call it a hook.  This was more of a left hook.  Before my readers hate me, I shall explain properly why it was completely accidental.

Located on a beautiful plot of land in Big Ape Country (Montana) upon arrival, I anxiously awaited siblings throwing out a red carpet or just welcoming us to their home.  Initially, I was welcomed by two of many rambunctious nephews, one about three years of age and the other six, urging me to watch them display their boxing skills on a backyard heavy bag.  Happily, I complied.  Pounding their tiny little fists into that bag made me remember our brotherhood rumbles in our basement.  Pure nostalgia.  I couldn’t help but ask them if I could hit the bag myself.

Tossing a few weak punches just to make them giggle, I decided to show them my left hook.  Now little did I know, one of my nieces was hiding, much like camouflage, behind the black and yellow punching bag.  My left hook hit the bag which then swiftly cracked my niece in the nose. This happened ten minutes after my arrival.  Some people thought that was pretty good for me to go that long before making a girl cry.  Most people had bet it to be no longer than five.

Much like a Stephen King “Carrie” moment, her nose bursted out with blood.  It was everywhere according to my wife while consoling her.  Honestly, I wanted to cry.  Evidently, the blood was like a red deluge flooding her face, shirt and shorts.  This was not one of my crowning moments. When my brother, Tom, arrived to hear the story, compassionate soul he is, could only shrug his shoulders and ask, “Did anyone get a picture?”

Uncle Ben did this to me … accidentally.

The accidental incident made me realize a couple of things though.  One, I’m a klutzy fool, and two, unless I’m fighting a five foot tall girl, I should stay out of the ring.

My niece, Josie, and I made amends shorty after she showered off the blood and changed her clothes.  She was a real trooper about it……..mostly, it just scared her mother, and everyone else at the reunion, thinking she was bleeding out of her eye sockets and surely the victim of some kind of 3rd of July terrorist attack.  Therefore, I thought since all was forgiven, and my introduction completed, I’d move on to the body of the reunion.  This body came in three forms: a tent, explosives, and a rib.

(Let me preface the following by writing that my wife, Brittney, is completely, utterly and enthusiastically responsible for the following)

On my bother’s property, many people were pitching tents because he and his wife, Molly, didn’t have room for one hundred people infecting their home. It was nice to recognize so many families enjoying this little camping trip reunion, except for one particular, unique group. Witnessing from afar, three morons just slightly smarter than me, unsuccessfully attempting to erect a thirteen by ten foot tent seemed as though I should provide some immediate assistance given they’d been at it for 45 minutes.  These three clowns were fumbling and fighting with this tent like three female beavers bickering about how to construct a dam.  It just didn’t seem to be working.  Their attempts to erect the tent were much like a ninety year old trying to get an erection.  Hopeless.  Now, let’s keep this straight, I’m not a mechanical person, but if I can lend a hand, even if it is to hold a pole, well, I’ll be there for you.

This is where my wife, BRITTNEY, enters the equation.  I looked at her and said, “As funny as this is, perhaps we should help them.”  She peered at me and said, “I think I have a better idea.”  My reply:  “yeah?”  Brittney looked at me as though I needed to save her from some ferocious Montana Grizzly and said, “Why don’t you go mow down what they have left of that tent?”

I don’t take her dares lightly.  Dropping my beverage, I sprinted about thirty yards and dove through that tent like I had to jump out of a burning building.  No one was injured, there was no blood, but the tent went down like the Titanic.  It collapsed just like we had planned.  The plan took five seconds to devise, but we took it down in one.  Luckily, the three stooges thought it was funny, and Britt and I helped them to resurrect the nylon Taj Mahal.  In retrospect, I really do believe she saw that the implosion of that outdoor abode as necessary for its reconstruction.  It worked, much like fireworks.  They look scary at first, but the results, unless they fly at your face, are magical.

You just can’t celebrate the 4th of July without fireworks and the solid possibility of someone’s face being severely burned.  I’m the type of guy whose idea of fireworks are those little black snakes which can only cause damage to concrete, unless they grow like ivy and envelop your once green yard with a long black snake devil. (you have to be careful which Indian Reservation you choose)  That to me is a firework.  You light them on fire, and they always work.  Explosives, heavy artillery and mortars are a different story.  They  are fantastically majestic unless approaching your face with terrific velocity.  These are the forms of fireworks some of my pyrotechnic nephews, as well as our hosting brother provided for the reunion finale………about five thousand dollars worth.  They put on a display I will never forget, but although the detonations were breathtaking, you were ready to duck or dive at any moment.  I knew someone had to go down like a courageous soldier putting his life down for the men and women who have fought for the USA.  We were not disappointed.  My brother in-law, Denny, turned out to be the brave soul, or unlucky soul, sacrificing his face for mine.  None of us saw much at first…….it happened far too quickly.  We did though, hear two sounds, the wizzzzz of something which sounded as though it may be coming in everyones’ general direction.  Then, distinctly, we heard, “I’M HIT!”.  Right in the face, our brother, Denny was hit.  Trying to hide our laughter, we made sure he was ok, and luckily, he was wearing glasses or firework proof goggles to deflect this bottle rocket.  He only received a minor burn which will last forever.

We stuck around for the grand finale and it was, indeed, fantastic……..mostly because there were no casualties.  I think Denny excused himself to the port-a-potty upon orders of the MASH Unit which was on hand.

The fireworks really didn’t scare me much.  However, one of my sisters did.  All of my sisters scare me, but this incident over a BBQ rib really terrified me.  At a reunion, along with five thousand dollars worth of fireworks comes five thousand dollars worth of food, thus resulting in five thousand hours of cleaning in the kitchen.  We all chipped in with the cooking and the cleaning, but my timing was a bit askew while looking for a leftover rib in the kitchen.  I didn’t know she had skipped most of the fireworks to clean a very large kitchen.  This rib caused a rift.  She bursted open fire on me like I was on enemy territory.  “If you think you’re going to eat another rib, you had better clean up after yourself!”  I was just going to eat a rib and throw the remains out onto Greg and Molly, our hosts’ yard after angrily devouring it.  But, the look on her face made me think, I should just get the hell out of here.  We later laughed and all was well…….I hope.

Concluding a reunion can be tough.  This one really wasn’t.  There was blood, buffoons, burns, ammo and lots of ribs….I feel like we had it all.  (I’m just sad I was too much of a coward to eat one of those ribs).  I also have to say, there was a whole lot of love at Greg and Molly’s place.  It was fantastic.  There are even memories and scars to prove it.

That was a pretty weak conclusion.  The introduction and conclusion should be the best and it’s always the toughest.  That would be our mother.  Even while shaking her head, she was there from the beginning, and she lasted up to the end.

 

The Best and Worst day of a Boy’s Life (the cub scout eye test)

This is a story about a young, naive baseball player; One who was too young to have recognized the sadness this wonderful game could provide.

I was playing pool on a Friday night with one of my best friends, Andy,  when I got the call.  The call was from my father.  That always made me a bit nervous.  It turned out to be the most exhilarating moment of my life.  My father called me to tell me a Chicago Cub’s scout had flown into Spokane and wanted to meet me and my father at a local hotel.  I remember looking at my friend, Andy, and he could tell I was bursting with happiness.  He said, “what the heck?….What’s going on?”  I told him the Cubs are in town to see me.  (One of the many great things about my friend was when I told him that, he looked like he was even more excited than me).  He said, “well let’s get your ass to that hotel……you really are on your way to the show.”

My father and I met this scout at the hotel, and at eighteen very young years of life, my hopes of making it to the major leagues were shattered.  I’m a pretty good judge of reading people.  That scout gave me his official Cub’s card and looked me up and down like I was a race horse or on a trading block.

I had terrific baseball stats, but I was not a tall or big boy.  It was then when I realized my destiny was not to get to that top level of play.  This is extremely scary to a boy who thought, with great confidence, it’s not if I’m going to make it, it’s when I’m going to make it.  Well, I didn’t even come close.

The second eye test was through a view finder.  He asked me if I wore corrective lenses.  I said yes.  STRIKE TWO!  The interview ended with this.  “We’ll keep in contact with you”. That was strike three for me.  Even at eighteen, I wasn’t really a dummy.

The car was silent on the drive home.   I was the kid who slept with a Dodger’s batting helmet on my head.  I had a baseball bat glued to my hand since I was about four years old.  I could emulate the swing of every major league player since 1977.  So, what was terrifying me was the thought of “What the hell am I going to do now?”  What are my other options?  Do I become a Cowboy or an Indian?  I knew my dream was over.

Draft day was strike four.  Many friends and relatives were questioning me as to what round I would be drafted.  After meeting with that scout, I knew.  But, many loving people payed  attention to that day of drafting, and my name was never mentioned.  I disappointed many people who thought that’s where I belonged.

I did receive a scholarship to play college baseball, but I knew that was not where I belonged.  I succeeded one year and failed miserably the second.  Officially, my baseball career was over.  I think I cried, but I can’t truly remember.

Let’s set this record straight, I did NOT belong to play at that level.  I have no excuses.  I was good, but clearly not that good.  Dozens of times, people have asked me, “why didn’t you make it?…..what happened?”  Now, the usual response of an ex-hopeful professional athlete is something along the lines of,  “Well my shoulder went out on me”, but I always tell old friends, ” I just wasn’t good enough”.  That’s the truth.  No excuses.  This is a physically and mentally tough game.

Writing is even tougher, but that’s all I have left.  That and a nice wife, and a very fortunate life.

After many years, I couldn’t watch a ballgame.  I felt betrayed by countless years of swinging a bat.  I have since forgiven the game and have become a teacher of baseball.   My only remaining sadness is that my wife never saw me play centerfield.  Fortunately, we go to many ballgames and I enjoy describing what a player should do in certain situations.  I quiz her on how to execute the next play.  “What should he do here….bunt, swing away…..make certain he is unselfish and hit a sacrificial fly?”  It makes this game fun again.  Even our dogs appreciate the countless fly balls I hit them for retrieval.

I’m lucky I didn’t make it.  I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Take me out to a ballgame….