Unfair Weather Fan (Waiting to Inhale a World Serious)

Waiting is not a virtue.  Punctuality is.  I’ve been waiting 35 years for the Seattle Mariners to deliver a World Series.  The lack of punctuality existing is clear, and even the lack of a World Series they haven’t bestowed has become irrelevant.  I’ve waved the white and blue flag, surrendering my allegiance to this group of players.

Returning from a four day vacation to Los Angeles, the city of Angels and baseball, leaves me with a dull impression on my mind.  There were indeed Angels in Los Angeles, and they were sitting right next to me at Dodger Stadium, also known as “The Chavez Ravine”.   The Angels may be a team in LA, but the Angels on this night were my wife sitting with me and my two friends, Trevor and Marshall.

Trevor, and his father, Marshall, were hosting this baseball party lasting from the first inning rib Trevor grilled at his home, until the ninth inning at that glorious ravine.   It was a fabulous night amplified with cheering at the proper moments, sighing at improper moments, and happily devouring peanuts without even recognizing your belly was already full of the magnificent ribs provided prior to the game.  We ate those peanuts like we were mad at them.  Watching the Dodgers and rooting for them from the tender age of I don’t remember, this was significant and winning nostalgia.  (Their triple A club….”The Spokane Indians” was located five minutes away from our home in the mid seventies.  This is why I followed and worshiped a team that would eventually deliver a boy a World Series.)

Fast forward to the year 2012 where I recently sat with my friends at The Chavez Ravine.  The Dodgers won, and now, I, once again, love the Dodgers and the city.

So, thanks to those friends and true men who love and respect the sport (Trevor and Marshall) for reminding us of how much fun the game can be.  Some people, owners, and Generally Stupid Managers forget.  I never do forget.

P.S. Go back and read this as though it was the voice is Steven A. Smith from ESPN.  He’s terrifical, magical, and glorious.  See . . . Frank Caliendo Impersonates Stephen A. Smith

 

Day Three and He Still Smells Good (Nathan’s Blog…2012)

“After two days, they smell like dead fish.”  That was one of my dad’s lines.  House guests sometimes are like permanent markers.  Shall I proceed further with this matter?  I think that sums it up.

They call him Nathan Nypen, brother of Natalie Nypen.  Misspelling their names intentionally, I only wish to save them from scrutiny when our picture hits the nightly news.  If he stays more than three days at our humble home, I may be forced to permanently injure him, just as he did to me two long days ago.

Engaged in the most fiercest of games known to somebody as “Scrabble”, Nathan and I had a dispute over his lackluster play and his refusal to allow me to utilize a hand written apostrophe.  Nathan spelled the word “somebody” playing off of my wife’s “Y”.  So, since I keep a garden of tiles in my pocket referred to as “S” and “Blank”, I believed the apostrophe S would fit in properly to spell “Somebody’s”.  Sir Nathan Nypen then referred to me as Somebody’s Fool.  Foolishly, I could only assume he was referring to my wife, or even perhaps me.  Therefore, as any common cave dweller must do, I started a fight in your own living room.  I still forget sometimes I’m close to forty years of life.  My neck still hurts on day three because I merely wished to provide a friendly ass wiping (yes Dave W., I indeed  spelled ass wiping correctly) but I think Nathan wanted to kill me.  Being friends since the fifth grade, I didn’t think he would fight dirty, especially in front of my wife and in OUR living and dying room!

It was an amicable finale and my wife has since used the Scrabble tiles as Briquettes.  This irritates me because I prefer a friendly game of Scrabble to a fight.  Losing in Scrabble only hurts for three minutes.  My neck has hurt for three days, and we have to put up with this ass wipe for a month.  This isn’t fair.  Wait until I break out my stash of a board game known as “Monopoly”.  He won’t know what hit him.

Most of this is fictional, and Nathan (don’t call me “Nate”)  has been a dear friend of ours for many years. (That’s non fiction.) We have welcomed him to our home and I must say, having very few friends, he has made me feel young again this morning.  He has reminded me of the days when he was the fabulous high school quarterback and I was his scapegoat running back. Nathan dished the ball to me thirty times on Friday nights just because he knew my neck and entire body was going to be punished by eleven men all night under the lights.  I think he got a kick out of it.  It was payback for me stealing his mother, Patty’s, absolutely delicious chocolate chip cookies at lunch time.  They were so good, this clown was trying to sell them.  That’s when I chose to steal them.  It’s the peasant way of glaring at life with principle.

So, if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, it’s only because Nathan will still be here for another day, and I will be staying, rent free, in the local penitentiary after beating the holy crap out of him…………….in Monopoly.

Just wait until he gets a load of Cribbage.

 

 

An Ode to Bud and the Garden of Stephen

Some traditions and memories are etched in stone or a garden in one’s mind.  Stories told  by others are equally influential, even when you may have been two or three years old when they actually occurred or, perhaps listened to the stories twenty or thirty years later.  The stories may be tall, but upon research and definitive evidence, they sometimes result in the stone age cold truth.

I began writing this with the ambitious thought it may be about a character and a goofy or fun story, but as I think of the man I write about, it became more relevant to speak of a man’s past, his present (death), and his future.  His name was, and shall remain, Rosco Bud Weiser.

Bud was the king of my father’s friends.  Not recalling his height, weight, girth, and cap size, I can only recall that, in my eyes, he was ten feet tall.  He was the Paul Bunyon of Moses Lake, Washington, and he was the mountain of a man with which you climb and reach the pinnacle only to be relieved to acknowledge, upon reaching that peak, how magnificent the feeling was to discover a man who was just an official number two to your own father.  All thirteen of us children loved him.

Bud was from the South.  He carried his South to the Great Pacific Northwest.  Southern hospitality is one thing, but carrying words commonly used in the South is another.  He had no problem using the “N” word, although to him, it was to us crackers much like using the word, “toe head”, or, “pecker head”.  To him, it seemed to be a term of affection.  Blond headed, I hated being called “toe head”, and red headed, my dad hated being called a “pecker head”.  We all are offended in certain ways, one way or another, but there was something special my father witnessed in Bud: Kindness towards others, a fondness of life, a great sense of humor, and acceptance for all.

When my father first met Bud, I believe his initial reactions, since he used the “N” word, were to think of him as an uneducated redneck from Missouri.  Quite the exact way my father and most of my family can recognize a bunny from an ape.  We know people and animals.  We know good people.

For some odd reason, my father befriended Bud while Bud was delivering milk in Moses Lake.  Since, at that time, dad and mom had a family of about ten, (before a few of us were born) , we required many gallons of milk each week.  Both charismatic chaps, they immediately developed a bond.  Legend has it, while dad was inquiring as to why Bud would use terms such as the “N” word, or “monkey”, Bud just described it as “that’s the way my mama told me.”  Dad replied, “Then, why do you leave those gallons of milk on said individuals’ porches without asking for a cent?”  Replying quite timidly, Bud said, “It just seems like the right thing to do, Pecker Head.”

Bud didn’t hate anyone.  He loved life and for some unfathomable reason, Bud loved our family.  After a few years of delivering milk, Bud became a farmer.  And, he was a good one.  Upon harvest, Bud delivered excess crops to anyone in need of assistance.  Our family was very enormous but not in need of sustenance.  But the King of Kindness would show up with acres of corn and oodles of potatoes for our family.  That’s when we left the spiritual city of Moses Lake, to the orderly city of Spokane, because of our father’s occupation as a hospital administrator.  Dad and Bud remained friends.

My brothers and sisters weren’t welcomed into many homes.  Doctors, their phony wives, debutants, and the bourgeoisie of Spokane weren’t terribly inclined to host our family of 13 young ruffians from the lower middle class.  We were well behaved, (please and thank you) but when a simple fight broke out, chaos ensued.  Eventually we learned to simply leave Christmas gifts of scotch, brandy or beer on the Doctor’s porches and run like hell, avoiding any reluctant offers to enter their parties.

Bud was the only one to invite all of the Gannons to his 4th of July party, his home located just ninety three and half miles west from Spokane, Washington.  This was a station wagon vacation!

Mr. Bud Weiser had a pool.  For middle to lower class civilians, this meant only one thing: millionaire.  We were going to rock that party like it was ninety seventy nine.  That would make me about five.  Traveling from Spokane to Moses Lake was akin to venturing to the southern most part of the United States, Key West,  only we were just traveling west, not south east.  It’ didn’t matter.  There was a pool and a Bud.

His pool came with a garden.  This was a glorious garden, draped with gardenias, daffodils, roses (white red black and blue) lilacs, and a wrestling mat.  Strange how things grow with the proper maintenance.  Apparently, Bud received a two for one discount in exchange for his wife, who showed up at this party with disgruntled lips and sinister eyebrows, knowing this would become the demolition garden of men.

Bud’s introduction was always a poignant one leaving an impression on your ears.  He would laugh and say to our father, when seeing one more Gannon,  “look, another one!”……He’d then elevate you up by your ears and look you over to see if you were worthy of drinking his garbage can full of soda or a garbage can full of beer.  Those sodas led me to temptation, much more than the ears being pulled to the sky, therefore, the pain wasn’t an issue.  Bud would laugh and say, “gotta another one here, (directed toward my dad) you gonna have anymore…..NO?  Well then drink up, eat up and swim just after, cuz my wife aint’ lettin’ y’all in our house.”

It was just then when the garden party erupted.  I don’t know which one of the four brothers started wrestling in the garden, but I can, with great and utter conviction, write the garden must have been Stephen’s………(that’s a synonym for destroyed). After demolishing the garden, the party digressed.   Proceeding to throw everyone, excluding the chicken, into the pool, we all had a great laugh.

My mother was mortified.  My father only looked at Bud and said, “well, you got what you paid for”……Bud’s reply..  “I sure do love your family.  I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.”  That’s where we’d host Bud and his X wives’ deviled eggs.

The party never ended with this man.  He found joy surveying our laughter and rambunctiousness as well as the love we all felt from him when he picked us up by our ears and welcomed…….all of us, to his home.

Annually, Bud would visit us with a truck load of turnips, acorn squash, corn, and many veggies I can’t quite recall, other than the potatoes.  (Those would soon be our artillery when mom couldn’t cook enough).  We relished those visits because he seemed to be our dad’s last friend, living ninety some miles ago.

Bud died years later, and each of the brothers and sisters visited and thanked him for what he provided for us……..not the food, the beer, the soda, or even the pool.  We knew how much he cared for our love of life, and we thanked him for being a part of it.

My father taught him how to say the Rosary on his death bed.  Someone I don’t know read him his last rights.  It doesn’t matter.  He was my father’s friend, and my dad was his friend until the end.  That’s what matters.

But, I prefer to conclude with a happy note:  The happiest place on earth, other than our backyard, was ninety miles away at the home of a great man with a pool.  This man didn’t just welcome our family for years, he embraced us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s OK to Bleed at a Family Reunion, Isn’t it?

A couple of weeks ago, our family celebrated our reunion.  This is not a blog to bore everyone about a family no one really gives a crap about, other than us, of course. Rather, it is an educational piece which can be used by those who don’t properly know how to celebrate a reunion…..especially on the 4th of July, and if you have twelve brothers and sisters, their wives, husbands, children, grandchildren, uncles, aunts………yada yada you get the picture. Here’s the honest picture which bleeds 1000 words, but only one fist.

As a rule of thumb, or in this case, “fist”, the first way to make a grand entrance to your family reunion is to punch your nineteen year old niece in the nose, thus making blood and tears flow.  Reunions are much like writing; your introduction must develop interest in the remainder of the story or weekend.  We also call it a hook.  This was more of a left hook.  Before my readers hate me, I shall explain properly why it was completely accidental.

Located on a beautiful plot of land in Big Ape Country (Montana) upon arrival, I anxiously awaited siblings throwing out a red carpet or just welcoming us to their home.  Initially, I was welcomed by two of many rambunctious nephews, one about three years of age and the other six, urging me to watch them display their boxing skills on a backyard heavy bag.  Happily, I complied.  Pounding their tiny little fists into that bag made me remember our brotherhood rumbles in our basement.  Pure nostalgia.  I couldn’t help but ask them if I could hit the bag myself.

Tossing a few weak punches just to make them giggle, I decided to show them my left hook.  Now little did I know, one of my nieces was hiding, much like camouflage, behind the black and yellow punching bag.  My left hook hit the bag which then swiftly cracked my niece in the nose. This happened ten minutes after my arrival.  Some people thought that was pretty good for me to go that long before making a girl cry.  Most people had bet it to be no longer than five.

Much like a Stephen King “Carrie” moment, her nose bursted out with blood.  It was everywhere according to my wife while consoling her.  Honestly, I wanted to cry.  Evidently, the blood was like a red deluge flooding her face, shirt and shorts.  This was not one of my crowning moments. When my brother, Tom, arrived to hear the story, compassionate soul he is, could only shrug his shoulders and ask, “Did anyone get a picture?”

Uncle Ben did this to me … accidentally.

The accidental incident made me realize a couple of things though.  One, I’m a klutzy fool, and two, unless I’m fighting a five foot tall girl, I should stay out of the ring.

My niece, Josie, and I made amends shorty after she showered off the blood and changed her clothes.  She was a real trooper about it……..mostly, it just scared her mother, and everyone else at the reunion, thinking she was bleeding out of her eye sockets and surely the victim of some kind of 3rd of July terrorist attack.  Therefore, I thought since all was forgiven, and my introduction completed, I’d move on to the body of the reunion.  This body came in three forms: a tent, explosives, and a rib.

(Let me preface the following by writing that my wife, Brittney, is completely, utterly and enthusiastically responsible for the following)

On my bother’s property, many people were pitching tents because he and his wife, Molly, didn’t have room for one hundred people infecting their home. It was nice to recognize so many families enjoying this little camping trip reunion, except for one particular, unique group. Witnessing from afar, three morons just slightly smarter than me, unsuccessfully attempting to erect a thirteen by ten foot tent seemed as though I should provide some immediate assistance given they’d been at it for 45 minutes.  These three clowns were fumbling and fighting with this tent like three female beavers bickering about how to construct a dam.  It just didn’t seem to be working.  Their attempts to erect the tent were much like a ninety year old trying to get an erection.  Hopeless.  Now, let’s keep this straight, I’m not a mechanical person, but if I can lend a hand, even if it is to hold a pole, well, I’ll be there for you.

This is where my wife, BRITTNEY, enters the equation.  I looked at her and said, “As funny as this is, perhaps we should help them.”  She peered at me and said, “I think I have a better idea.”  My reply:  “yeah?”  Brittney looked at me as though I needed to save her from some ferocious Montana Grizzly and said, “Why don’t you go mow down what they have left of that tent?”

I don’t take her dares lightly.  Dropping my beverage, I sprinted about thirty yards and dove through that tent like I had to jump out of a burning building.  No one was injured, there was no blood, but the tent went down like the Titanic.  It collapsed just like we had planned.  The plan took five seconds to devise, but we took it down in one.  Luckily, the three stooges thought it was funny, and Britt and I helped them to resurrect the nylon Taj Mahal.  In retrospect, I really do believe she saw that the implosion of that outdoor abode as necessary for its reconstruction.  It worked, much like fireworks.  They look scary at first, but the results, unless they fly at your face, are magical.

You just can’t celebrate the 4th of July without fireworks and the solid possibility of someone’s face being severely burned.  I’m the type of guy whose idea of fireworks are those little black snakes which can only cause damage to concrete, unless they grow like ivy and envelop your once green yard with a long black snake devil. (you have to be careful which Indian Reservation you choose)  That to me is a firework.  You light them on fire, and they always work.  Explosives, heavy artillery and mortars are a different story.  They  are fantastically majestic unless approaching your face with terrific velocity.  These are the forms of fireworks some of my pyrotechnic nephews, as well as our hosting brother provided for the reunion finale………about five thousand dollars worth.  They put on a display I will never forget, but although the detonations were breathtaking, you were ready to duck or dive at any moment.  I knew someone had to go down like a courageous soldier putting his life down for the men and women who have fought for the USA.  We were not disappointed.  My brother in-law, Denny, turned out to be the brave soul, or unlucky soul, sacrificing his face for mine.  None of us saw much at first…….it happened far too quickly.  We did though, hear two sounds, the wizzzzz of something which sounded as though it may be coming in everyones’ general direction.  Then, distinctly, we heard, “I’M HIT!”.  Right in the face, our brother, Denny was hit.  Trying to hide our laughter, we made sure he was ok, and luckily, he was wearing glasses or firework proof goggles to deflect this bottle rocket.  He only received a minor burn which will last forever.

We stuck around for the grand finale and it was, indeed, fantastic……..mostly because there were no casualties.  I think Denny excused himself to the port-a-potty upon orders of the MASH Unit which was on hand.

The fireworks really didn’t scare me much.  However, one of my sisters did.  All of my sisters scare me, but this incident over a BBQ rib really terrified me.  At a reunion, along with five thousand dollars worth of fireworks comes five thousand dollars worth of food, thus resulting in five thousand hours of cleaning in the kitchen.  We all chipped in with the cooking and the cleaning, but my timing was a bit askew while looking for a leftover rib in the kitchen.  I didn’t know she had skipped most of the fireworks to clean a very large kitchen.  This rib caused a rift.  She bursted open fire on me like I was on enemy territory.  “If you think you’re going to eat another rib, you had better clean up after yourself!”  I was just going to eat a rib and throw the remains out onto Greg and Molly, our hosts’ yard after angrily devouring it.  But, the look on her face made me think, I should just get the hell out of here.  We later laughed and all was well…….I hope.

Concluding a reunion can be tough.  This one really wasn’t.  There was blood, buffoons, burns, ammo and lots of ribs….I feel like we had it all.  (I’m just sad I was too much of a coward to eat one of those ribs).  I also have to say, there was a whole lot of love at Greg and Molly’s place.  It was fantastic.  There are even memories and scars to prove it.

That was a pretty weak conclusion.  The introduction and conclusion should be the best and it’s always the toughest.  That would be our mother.  Even while shaking her head, she was there from the beginning, and she lasted up to the end.

 

The Best and Worst day of a Boy’s Life (the cub scout eye test)

This is a story about a young, naive baseball player; One who was too young to have recognized the sadness this wonderful game could provide.

I was playing pool on a Friday night with one of my best friends, Andy,  when I got the call.  The call was from my father.  That always made me a bit nervous.  It turned out to be the most exhilarating moment of my life.  My father called me to tell me a Chicago Cub’s scout had flown into Spokane and wanted to meet me and my father at a local hotel.  I remember looking at my friend, Andy, and he could tell I was bursting with happiness.  He said, “what the heck?….What’s going on?”  I told him the Cubs are in town to see me.  (One of the many great things about my friend was when I told him that, he looked like he was even more excited than me).  He said, “well let’s get your ass to that hotel……you really are on your way to the show.”

My father and I met this scout at the hotel, and at eighteen very young years of life, my hopes of making it to the major leagues were shattered.  I’m a pretty good judge of reading people.  That scout gave me his official Cub’s card and looked me up and down like I was a race horse or on a trading block.

I had terrific baseball stats, but I was not a tall or big boy.  It was then when I realized my destiny was not to get to that top level of play.  This is extremely scary to a boy who thought, with great confidence, it’s not if I’m going to make it, it’s when I’m going to make it.  Well, I didn’t even come close.

The second eye test was through a view finder.  He asked me if I wore corrective lenses.  I said yes.  STRIKE TWO!  The interview ended with this.  “We’ll keep in contact with you”. That was strike three for me.  Even at eighteen, I wasn’t really a dummy.

The car was silent on the drive home.   I was the kid who slept with a Dodger’s batting helmet on my head.  I had a baseball bat glued to my hand since I was about four years old.  I could emulate the swing of every major league player since 1977.  So, what was terrifying me was the thought of “What the hell am I going to do now?”  What are my other options?  Do I become a Cowboy or an Indian?  I knew my dream was over.

Draft day was strike four.  Many friends and relatives were questioning me as to what round I would be drafted.  After meeting with that scout, I knew.  But, many loving people payed  attention to that day of drafting, and my name was never mentioned.  I disappointed many people who thought that’s where I belonged.

I did receive a scholarship to play college baseball, but I knew that was not where I belonged.  I succeeded one year and failed miserably the second.  Officially, my baseball career was over.  I think I cried, but I can’t truly remember.

Let’s set this record straight, I did NOT belong to play at that level.  I have no excuses.  I was good, but clearly not that good.  Dozens of times, people have asked me, “why didn’t you make it?…..what happened?”  Now, the usual response of an ex-hopeful professional athlete is something along the lines of,  “Well my shoulder went out on me”, but I always tell old friends, ” I just wasn’t good enough”.  That’s the truth.  No excuses.  This is a physically and mentally tough game.

Writing is even tougher, but that’s all I have left.  That and a nice wife, and a very fortunate life.

After many years, I couldn’t watch a ballgame.  I felt betrayed by countless years of swinging a bat.  I have since forgiven the game and have become a teacher of baseball.   My only remaining sadness is that my wife never saw me play centerfield.  Fortunately, we go to many ballgames and I enjoy describing what a player should do in certain situations.  I quiz her on how to execute the next play.  “What should he do here….bunt, swing away…..make certain he is unselfish and hit a sacrificial fly?”  It makes this game fun again.  Even our dogs appreciate the countless fly balls I hit them for retrieval.

I’m lucky I didn’t make it.  I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Take me out to a ballgame….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mortal Sins

Sometimes, or let me rephrase this, I always stew about my writing….  just like a Sunday Slow Cooker recipe.  Sometimes, it turns out wonderful, and sometimes it tastes like shit……just like my writing.

I’ve been stewing about writing some important stories about my life and others’ and quite  genuinely, those are the most difficult to express.  When you send something out to the world, also known as A Corner Club (my brother’s tavern), it puts you at risk.  So, now I’m going to try to write something fun.  Please, don’t find it boorish.

My father was not a Jew. (Bless their hearts, brains and money).  My father was the provider of thirteen Catholic boys and girls.  He always made certain food was on the table, a tent was over our heads, and we always had patched pants mom would provide.

Growing up in the Catholic church became a bit confusing for the youngest of 13.  I did my best to discern the difference between mortal and venial sins.  Other than loving my family unconditionally as a young boy, and basically just playing in the yard, I didn’t know how to confess my sins; I really didn’t have any (yet).  This is when I began my lying career.

I am no saint, and I ain’t no angel, but I lied my ass off in those confessionals.  I couldn’t think of anything I did wrong.  I didn’t use profanity in those days, but I lied to the priest saying I did.  This was extremely taxing…….making up bad stuff just to be absolved of my sins.  I was honest when I said I was thinking bad thoughts about some of my siblings……meaning, since I couldn’t beat them up, I’d just hide their wallet, containing nothing other than a condom they would never use.  After the concussions, it seemed the only way to get back at them.

We learned from our father what the really egregious sins were.  He began making pretty good money to support us, and, one day, other than giving to charity, he wanted to know what was on our wish list.  I wanted a bat.  My siblings wanted a pool.  Determination?Venial sin. Out of the question.  Dad knew that was a recipe for Gannon Disaster.  Then, he asked what was second on our wish list.  Knowing this was a Mortal Sin, we sheepishly replied……”call waiting?”

That’s when the shit hit the rotary phone, and I was not allowed to talk to the girl in the eighth grade I’m currently married to.

Lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from call waiting.  We decided to stick to rock fights and good food.

 

Overrated or Underrated PG 13?

Making the decision on how to rate movies must be a tricky situation.  Since we don’t have any children, we don’t really give a damn about ratings.  It’s my rule to keep things pretty clean when writing, but there is no way to watch a movie such as, “The Big Lebowski” without the glorious F bomb explosions.  That’s why I only watch TV when Seinfeld is on or a baseball game is being played which includes a lovely display of profanity by the players, my wife and her husband watching.  I ain’t no Saint.

One of my six favorite sisters once told me, “Kids are overrated”.  I thought that was funny.  But, sadly, it made some sense. We do have two gigantic dogs and I find them underrated.  We don’t have to save money to send them to college.  We don’t have to explain to them why unions are a phony way to get by in the U S of A.  (I actually respect unions….but I don’t respect the abuse of unions).  Our dogs play catch with me each day, whether it’s outside, in the office, or on the top of our house.  A tennis ball or baseball to them is like a beer to me.  They just have to have one…..or one hundred.

Ultimately, what’s underrated about dogs and children are their smiles.  Dogs smile just like wonderful children, but unlike dogs, many children use profanity just like they are in a local tavern.  Rated R for ridiculous.

I’d hate to know what our dogs would like to tell us some days.  So far, our dogs are rated G……for good.

 

 

Mission Impossible

This morning, I wanted to wish one of my six favorite brothers, Steve, a Happy Father’s Day.       As any good man would reply, he said, “Thanks”.

What I love about my brother is that he is genuine.  And, I think he knew I was speaking genuinely.  That brother, Steve, has done a great deal for me for many years.

Steve has three wonderful children and a handful of grandchildren.  I have none of the above.

But here’s the story.  I also had to ask him how he was going to spend this father’s day.  He replied, “I have to train a bartender”.  (Steve has established and maintained a bar for twenty some odd years……quite a feat.  That’s sincere)

Knowing that training a bartender is a difficult task when his children should be making him breakfast, I asked him a simple question before parting words:
” Can you teach this bartender how not to steal?”

His response?  “Impossible”.

I laughed and wished him a great day.

His laughter was my medicine on this day.

 

 

Who is Pat Conroy? (Kiss my shrimp and Grits)

My inspiration for writing is devoted to one person, and a whole lot of other ones.  That was written with confusion, but allow me to explain.

His name is “The Prince of Tides”.

Visiting the majestic city of Charleston, South Carolina, my wife and I drank the beer, ate the cool shrimp and grits and tasted a dish called “she crab soup”.  I will never find its’ equal.  My favorite author, Pat Conroy, is respectfully known in Beaufort, South Carolina as a man who wrote, “The Prince of Tides”.  He has also written many other books blessed with grace and a voice I’d like to hear and have one beer with.   I did not wish to receive an autograph, see his home or annoy him in any way.  It was pure maple syrup curiosity.

In South Carolina, Britt, (my wife) and I, would ask questions as to what we determined the nicest people in the world. Our questions seemed to be answered. They shook hands.  They said strange phrases such as “Please and Thank you”.  When I opened the door for anyone, they replied,  “Thank you Ma’am, or Thank you, Sir. These were white women and black men treating all of us as equals.  I am indeed a man, but if they were to refer to me as a ma’am, I would  reply with great dignity and say to them….with a genuine smile.”You are very welcome”.

Pat Conroy provided excitement for the mere notion of the scary attempt at doing what I wished for. Writing.  Middle School students provided the gasping relief to know I required a different profession.

My first job interview as an English novice, I was asked one very, and  dreadfully dishonest question.  ” Who is your favorite Author?”  Initially, I thought, in the most phony of ways, Shakespeare,  Chaucer, Hardy, and even the saddest and craziest of all, Emily Dickenson.   I needed to impress these idiots so I could make forty grand a year with summers off.

Beg to differ.  Rather than pulling out the confusing cards such as Shake, Chauce, Emily Dick and even Hardy…..who made me suffer for three long years without baseball, I busted out Pat Conroy.  None of these imbeciles knew who I was referring to.  I said, “you know, the guy who wrote the “Prince of Tides.”

Their response………oh……….yeah, yeah…..good good.  Anything else?

Nope.  It was at that moment,I recognized how ridiculously stupid administration could be.  There was no Waaaaayyy I was going to work for them.

I didn’t get the job, but I knew where my path was leading.  After fifteen of years teaching, I finally found my Shrimp and Grits.  And, I’m going to retire with her.

I did meet Pat Conroy, and he was just as expected.  He was the Prince of Tides, and South Carolina is definitely, the prince of tides.

Ben Gannon

 

 

 

A Diamond in the Rough (The Painfully Slow Evolution of a Baseball Team)

There are four measurements on a diamond: cut, clarity, color, and carrot.  There are four measurements on a baseball field: hitting, throwing, running and catching.  Both are measured in terms of perfection when it comes to a ring or the baseball field.

Talking to a scientist the other day, he informed me that a piece of crap, or a piece of coal, can turn into a diamond with enough pressure and time after several thousand years.  This was sad news.  Immortality is not my business.  He also informed me that diamonds are extremely costly.  I already knew that, but I questioned him further by asking why diamonds are just as expensive as going to a Seattle Mariner’s Baseball game.  He laughed at me and replied, “That’s why they call the field a diamond…..it’s really expensive, because it’s a place to witness perfection.”  Still shaking my head in disbelief, just like a child asks questions to an adult they can’t possibly answer, I asked “Don’t the Mariners play on a field then?”  My business is asking rhetorical questions.  My scientist friend knew he could not answer this question.  Therefore, I answered it for him.

Here we go.  “You see, scientist friend, when I grew up, I played on baseball fields.  These fields were plagued with weeds and gigantic rocks almost resembling erratics from the Great Missoula Floods.  The stands were filled with angry fathers not volunteering their time but volunteering their mouths during a game littered with nice kids, but crappy ballplayers.  There were these unusual ladies also showing up giving little advice, other than, “who is in charge of the treats at the next game?” Later on, I found out they were mothers.  I found it strange they didn’t even watch the game.  They did their nails, gossiped, and spoke evilly of their estranged husbands.  But, what baffled me the most was when their son struck out in four consecutive at bats on twelve consecutive pitches, the mother would hand him a soda, or a drumstick or a fruit roll up and say, “Wow, you were terrific today!”  Now if you say that to a real ballplayer after striking out, it adds kindling to the campfire.  It might smell good, but it still burns like hell.  So, the only proper thing to do as a real ballplayer is to toss the soda over a fence, beat one of your other crappy teammates with the drumstick and refrain from strangling your mother with the fruit roll up.  Then you head home and sneak a beer out of your father’s hidden stash in the basement.

Mr Scientist seemed to be getting bored with my explanation, so he wanted me to reach my point.  So, I told him that diamonds are supposed to be beautiful.  Since a field represents a little league ballpark, a baseball diamond should be saved for when you make it to the big leagues…….you know, like the guys I used to watch on T.V. and admired since I left the womb.  Those guys deserved to play on a Baseball Diamond.  The Seattle Mariners have a dynamite field, but let’s not go too far as to refer to it as a diamond.

I’ve been watching these guys play for 35 years.  If it takes another one thousand years to see them in the World Series, I’m clean out of luck.  This chunk of coal doesn’t have that much time to see a diamond, unless it’s on my wife’s finger.  I see that every day.

With all this being written atop my soap baseball box, I’m on my way to go see a chunk of coal on a baseball field at Keep me Safeco Field.  I’ll purchase a ticket, buy some Cracker Jacks, a dog and a beer, financing the diamond earrings the players will wear after the game and, hopefully, not become too embarrassed by the mothers and fathers misunderstanding the process of how long it takes a coal turn into a diamond.

That’s how much I love the game.