Who coined the phrase, “The truth shall set you free”?  The answer is irrelevant, because I will write something relevant just to set people free.  Or, as I will gracefully write, just get them out of the closet.

The Apple Cup is a game played each year between two football teams, The Washington Huskies and The Washington State Cougars.  I had to explain this because the game has fallen on hard times, and people have to look it up in an Encyclopedia Britannica to remember what it was.  Or, they can just Google it.  Today, it will be played in Pullman, Washington.  Huh?  Where?  Why?  What?  Let me explain the pain.

My wife and I graduated from Washington State University.  (after a long pause, I must muster up an idea of why we are proud of this………………….)  Well, we are proud of our degrees, but not proud of Washington State athletics.  And, we do feel, unlike Patrick Swayze, pain hurts, but memories and lies make you suffer.  Yet, we still watch the game each year around a time when we are supposed to be thankful.  I wasn’t always thankful on this day, but I have learned to tell the truth about this day, and about many others, not participating in the game on the field.  It had nothing to do with the players battling on that gridiron carpet, but it was and is more about the fans.  F you Husky fans, and F you Cougar fans.  Ninety percent of you coug and dawg fans are just jerks and a-holes when it comes to a game I used to respect.  Outside of the game, I really enjoy the company of anyone who attended the University of Washington or graduated from Washington State University.  Unless they are with their fraternity brothers who protect one another like a pack of cougs or dogs, alone, they become pretty nice chaps.  Now, here’s the truth.

I was surrounded by lying Dawgs for many years.  They always tried to comfort me, since I was just a lowly cat. The Dawg Fathers, abjectly lying, would subject me to statements such as this, “oh, we root for your team……just not when they are playing the Huskies”.  BULL…… SHIT!   I am setting myself free by common admission where, as a Cougar, I drove a great distance to watch the Huskies twice, in two Rose Bowls played in Pasadena, Ca.  I acted like I was rooting for them.  BULL SHIT!  I was rooting for Michigan all the way, and it was difficult, because I loved and respected the Husky team, but I hated their fans.  Therefore, secretly, I rooted against them.  Guilty as charged.

Now, let’s really get to the gut ugly point I wish to establish and then forget about for the next eleven months.  Patronizing.  Definition: (giving you this definitions IS the definition of patronizing, but it’s kind of funny) Treat with apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority…..or (this even worse) to be kind or helpful to, but in a haughty or snobbish way.  “Help me, I’m poor”.  I stole that line from a movie.  It was pertaining to seating in first class against the coach.

Cougs: Coach (sucks) Huskies (used to fly first class, but now they are only interested in beating up their younger brother, the cougs.  That’s even more embarrassing than playing for or coaching for Washington State.  It feels like the Huskies just wander around looking for someone to beat up, laugh about it and then say, quite flippantly, “oh, we’ll root for you next week”.  This is where, years ago, I did an investigative report concerning this issue of flagrant and egregious foul mouthed phonies.  The Husky Fans.  I will soon rest my case.

Traveling to Seattle, Washington, notebook in hand, I didn’t really care if the Huskies won or lost.  I just wished to dispel the myth that a drunken Husky would actually root for, or even cared about the Washington State Cougars.  On that day, the Cougars were playing a meaningless game against Oregon State.  The Huskies, out of bowl contention, were playing another meaningless game against Cal.  Patiently, and sopping with rain, I waited for the truth to arrive.  It did.

At halftime, people waited for scores on the highlighted scoreboard at the beautiful Husky Stadium. (It truly was beautiful, overlooking some lake filled with other common liars in pretentious boats, acting as though they cared about the game)  This was my gambling tell.  The tell is when you can tell if somebody is lying in Vegas or in a stadium  littered with liars.  Easy.  I used to gamble, so I know all about liars……including me.

I didn’t even look at the scoreboard.  Rather, I looked at the reactions of those faithful Huskies reacting to the score of a meaningless game, two hundred and eighty five miles away in Pullman, Washington.  Cougs, 13, Oregon State, 27.  The stadium erupted with cheers of delight and laughter.  I only celebrated the FACT that the Huskies don’t root for the Cougars.  It solidified my theory.  My ex-mother in-law, claiming to be a Husky, said, “whoops”, when I laughed and exposed her for the Husky fraud she was.

As mean as that may sound, all of the people and fans I refer to are genuinely good people.  I am merely pointing out the fact that lying about this silly and irrelevant game should make you an honest person………at some point.

(This must end abruptly because a few very special people are on the way to our house…that means I need to vacuum and break out the leftover turkey.)

To all you Husky fans, I’ll drop these turkey drippings on your souls.  It’s ok to win, but in the long run, it’s not ok to lie……….unless you say the most profound of statements containing a grand slam of four phony words……..”Wait until next year”.

I just wait until Thanksgiving.  A good turkey sandwich always makes me honestly forget.

I enjoy reading……………….the Sport’s Page.  How’s that for an intro?

(This is not my tough guy resume, because I’m not bright enough or tough enough to develop one.  I am, however, concerned enough to appreciate those in the news lately suffering from concussions.)

Many years ago, I heard tall tales about the word, “concussion”.  Then, I began to experience them.  For many physicians, the word was only a mythological brain hemorrhage not to be questioned or trifled with by eleven year old simpletons such as me.   My only doctor, providing annual sport physicals didn’t believe concussions were anything more than one of your older brothers beating the Hell out of you.   He merely described it as though I would eventually read about it twenty years later while following the vicious sport of American football.  Football was always violent, and littered with collisions, but you staggered onto the playing field expecting and accepting what may happen on that field.

Growing up, I never really knew what the term concussed meant, or even cared, but I will begin and end these chapters beginning and ending with concussions. Still a bit queazy when one brings up the word, “concussed” in the Sunday morning news every Sunday morning, I think about the recent circumstances while following college football and the NFL.  Concussions seem to be spread around the gridiron much like butter on my white toast.  As a youngster, concussions spread around our home like winter cold sores.  They were ugly, but you couldn’t seem to get rid of them until April.

Withholding sarcasm, I take concussions very seriously.  I blame all of my concussions and lack of brain cells on my brothers, sisters, tree houses, boxing gloves, monkey bars, baseball and beer.  Strangely, and as far as I don’t know, I never suffered a concussion playing football.  I’ve just been reading about those ones.

Chapter One Concussion:  Transitioning from wiffleball to aluminum bat baseball, someone smashed a 33 ounce Easton bat smack dab and well into my forehead.  That was the one and only time I wound up in the hospital because of a concussion.  The person on deck evidently didn’t know where the “on deck circle” was.

Chapter Two Concussion:  Transitioning from a treehouse full of fun to a chicken coup full of horrors equipped with a slip knot roped tire swing, I experienced concussion number two.  Next to our chicken coup, there was a tree.  For some odd reason, an old derelict car tire sat on top of that coup, and a rope nestled close by.  The tree, thirteen feet away from the coup, persuaded the rope, tire, and my brothers to form a unity.  I became the test dummy.  The rope was suffering from its own concussions and wasn’t strong enough to hold me or that tire.  We all crashed, and my brothers all laughed.  Only the chicken coup was left standing.

Chapter Three Concussion:  Elementary Monkey Bars.  Show me a child who has not been concussed when showing off for the first girl he may kiss, and I’ll show you an apple.  They grow, fall off trees and end up on monkey bars.  Shortly after, they fall off the monkey bars, hit the pavement, and eventually talk about it in a monkey bar.

Chapter Four Concussion: Boxing Gloves.  Way overrated.  This was, by far, my worst concussion.  Making the mistake of entering our basement, my brother, Tom, and I laced on a rusty pair of boxing gloves after watching a Sugar Ray Leonard vs. Roberto Duran fight.  For me, the rest is concussion history.  Four years older, Tom was extremely nice for sitting in a chair, thus, according to him, providing me an advantage.  I did have a one punch advantage.  After nailing him once, he proceeded to pound me to a point where he threw in the towel because Gilligans’s Island was starting on our basement black and blue T.V..  After removing the gloves,  I stumbled upstairs, vomited, and with eyes wide dilated, couldn’t see anything on that day.  Sincerely, that scared the heck out of me.

Chapter Five Concussion:  (High School baseball practice on a High School practice football field)  Challenging one of my coaches to hit a ball over my head, my head ended up discovering the dirty goal post forty feet past center field, thrusting me into baseball and football infamy.  After this experience, for one evening, I was known as The Elephant Ben.    My good friend, a man I still know as Chuck, laughed at my disfigure, but would not allow me to drive home.  He provided the cab ride home, and he remains a good friend of mine.  I can still sense his compassion, and additionally, hear his laughter.  Later that Friday evening, our coach contacted my father quite sure my parents were seeking legal counseling.   Quite the contrary.  My parents just appreciated his concern, kept me awake upon concussion’s orders, and didn’t allow me go to the Friday night party I promised to attend with my future wife who still takes care of me.  My excuse for accepting her kindness:  Concussions.

This concussion stuff is terrific.  You mention a few concussions, and wham, everyone assumes you have brain damage.  Does anyone not love Rocky?  Other than receiving quality beatings, his redeeming qualities were concussions and after the 15th round, maintaining a good attitude.  By law, you are required to love this man.

Chapter Six: Conclusion

O.K., enough playful banter.  During our Seattle deluge yesterday, I called and or texted some of my old friends inquiring much like The Enquirer about their own concussions.  Flippantly, most of them replied by saying, “oh, yeah, I’ve had a few”.  I asked them to elaborate just because I thought concussions were serious matters of the brain.  Kind of the contrary.

(I’ll try to protect the innocent by using phony names because some of these concussion excuses are a little fuzzy)

Yawn:  “My asshole mormon brother, while giving me a piggy back ride, deliberately let go of my feet as soon as we commuted from grass to concrete.  Asshole.”  These are his words.  I don’t know why Yawn had to include the word, “Mormon” to enhance his story.

Nate: (our High School quarterback)  “I don’t remember calling plays in the huddle”.  That’s because he didn’t call any plays other than, “I’ll just give it to you on two……ready……break.”  We lost most of our games.

Chuck:  “I only remember one…….yours”.  (as a former college lineman, he’s probably had a thousand, but has since chosen to be a successful business man as opposed to suing his former coaches……..that’s just far too stressful)

Fed Ex Guy ringing our doorbell:  “Your dogs give me headaches, but I don’t consider them concussions”.  (Finally, an honest man)

The UPS guy says he gets a concussion every time he has to use one of those pens not containing any ink.  That’s referred to as confusion…….not concussion.

Beer:  “I’ve never experienced one, but I’ve created about a Billion”.  Actually, that was George W. Bush.  I recognized his laughter after his statement.  I couldn’t believe I could find him just dialing 411 and more.

Thanksgiving is a couple days away, and if your relatives give you a headache, just call it a headache, unless you have a really good lawyer.

This piece is dedicated to those who are bored, thus spending evenings watching “Finding Bigfoot” on the Animal Planet Network.  The BFRO team behind the show is not working for me.  They stink as much as common charlatans in the woods.

Irrefutable Evidence of Sasquatch

Upon receiving the Eight Billionth award for a man not believing in Sasquatch, I will provide my acceptance speech….with a few exceptions.

This is embarrassing, yet personally rewarding.  Officially, I am out of the closet.  I don’t believe in Sasquatch.  There.  Are you happy?  (Applause from existing hairy, but not that hairy bipeds…. and  grizzly quadrupeds clapping)  That makes a little sense.

I have a gathering of people I wish to thank for opening my door called reality, sanity, and get your head out of your ass, you idiot.   It was a sturdy door for thirty years, but that door made of particle board and ten cent penny nails has officially fallen from Squatch Land, or as many now call it “Sasquatchlandia”.  My beliefs have crumbled like this hard taco disgracefully falling upon a carpet on this day of reckoning.  Sadly, truth is much harder than fiction.

Before the music starts, I will, with great brevity and furious anger, thank those crushing my imaginary dreams that a kind and gentle giant roaming the woods of the great Northwest could possibly exist.  They are the Bigfoot Research Organization (BFRO), or now referred to as the Big Fraudulent Research Organization.  Although you are disgraceful to those who drive cars and pay taxes, I thank you for keeping me and others from staring out of our heavily wooded northwestern hillside just to catch a glimpse of something that no longer exists.  Now, my nephews and nieces wishing to stay in the Sasquatch Guest Room (something I once took pride in designing), overlooking that hillside, will no longer have nightmares, and will just enjoy the view.   I thank you for that. Good luck.  Stay bipeds.  (more awkward applause, because the crowd, much like a shark smelling blood from a mile away, can equally sense the smelliest of odors in the first row……sarcasm)

The real story:

At a confused and influential age, (that means from the time of conception until now) I have imagined and dreamed about something existing which didn’t include my six older brothers and six older sisters.  Something more exciting, less painful, and perhaps a breakthrough in science.

Let’s talk logic.  Forgive me, because I’m not really used to the word logic.  I am familiar with the terms, Anthropology and Cryptozoology.    These are the studies regarding specimens known to exist and those we wish to exist.  The late and great, Grover Krants, a professor at Thee! Washington State University, at the very least, provided scientific knowledge of how this Gigantopithecus could exist.   It wasn’t a joke.  It was scientific, and further, a bit intriguing.  This hairy biped could roam the earth smelling the dandelions and hiding in caves while tricking us all to believe he or she may or may not continue to stroll through areas humans have infested.

We strive for honesty, and in this world, there is very little.  But, evidently,  little proof is better than none at all.  This is when we grow up.   We try to believe in things such as Bigfoot and baseball’s designated hitter.  Neither will ever exist because of two reasons.  Sports writers won’t acknowledge one and the other simultaneously.  That statement sounds as cloudy as all the pictures, film strips, drawings and voice recordings combined regarding the elusive Sasquatch. (I can’t believe I have to use a capital “S” when spelling it.  It’s simply ridiculous.  Yet, not quite as ridiculous as the Five Sasquatchions making money off of people watching Animal Planet.

These people make entertaining the notion of the unknown deem laughable, and have demolished my fantasy of having a Sasquatch over for Thanksgiving.  It’s just not going to happen.

Myth: The people hosting this show on the “Animal Planet” in the woods maintain some sort of credibility.

Fact:  They don’t.

Myth:  They set the bar high for those who wish to discover items such as the moon or the Pacific Ocean.

Fact: The only bar they set is at a bar.

Myth: Definitive evidence……something that crunches in the darkness does not mean a Sasquatch is arriving for dinner, even though he or she may be hungry.

Fact: Disputing and debating a frozen leaf falling from a tree can only be described as irrefutable casual evidence.

Fact: The Joke is on us.

My wife and dogs were convinced the other night our woods were filled with squatches. After detailed investigation, our deck was just covered with falling leaves and crap.

Go on with your lives, and stop trying to tease me.

Treading in luke and lewd warm water the other day, I decided to edit a great deal of my blog when it concerned pot and R -74.  No, not RG Three.  I don’t think he’s gay, and I don’t care if he is.  I know he’s black and I don’t care about that either.  It’s similar to me just not caring about pot or homosexuality.  I’m far too selfish to think about things I’m not involved with.  Personally, I’m hetero all the way, but this new law could be the gateway law allowing people like me to enter into marriage with another heterosexual dude.  I’ve often thought about it, because guys are just much easier than gals.  That’s why I’ve made a list of really good friends I would consider marrying. However, there would definitely be clauses and a prenuptial agreement. (I’m happily married to a female, but if she leaves me for a woman, I need to start preparing.) For a long while, when activists would approach me with issues concerning gay marriage, I would respond with, “I’m not just against gay marriage, I’m against all marriage.  It’s just one big bad dream.”

The list:

Ok, I hope I made everyone nervous.  You know who you are.  I will disappoint my six brothers who are not on the list, along with all of my nephews.  Sorry.  That’s just weird. With respect for your privacy, I’ll leave your names off this blog, but I will text and tweet about you.  No one sees that crap, right?

The clauses:

1) You must be heterosexual.

2)Shaking hands…..fine, but no holding them unless said spouse is on his deathbed after overdosing on hot wings and bacon.

3)No cards, just sticky notes.

4)No smoking pot.  This may strike you as strange, but I like a husband who is more smarter than me.  Legend has it, smoking that wacky tobaccy, only makes you appear extremely dumb.  I need someone to watch over me, and appear bright.

5) Absolutely no kissing.  Not even if it is on the cheek after drinking twenty five Henry Weindard’s or fifty Rainiers.  That’s called a gateway kiss.

6) Unless we win one in a fantasy football league, or if it’s on your collar, NO RINGS.  There’s a beginning, but there will also be an end if any other rings are presented.

7) Separate beds unless it’s a snowstorm and we can only find a motel with a one bed room.  Flip a coin or arm wrestle on which guy gets the cot, if another guy needs to share our room.

8) Fourth of July, Mother’s Day, The World Series and The Super Bowl.  All synonymous and you must celebrate them.  College basketball is optional, depending on how much money you have riding on it.

9) You don’t have to love Rickey Henderson, but you have to respect Him.

10)  Jaws, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, Cool Hand Luke, Shawshank Redemption, The Big Lebowski, Super Troopers, Meatballs, Paint Your Wagon (acceptable even as a musical, because there is plenty of booze present) will all be available in your library of DVD’s and also allowed on Sundays on TNT, HBO, or Showtime.  Cinemax must be viewed on one’s own.  Seinfeld reruns are required nightly from 10:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.

11) You must be willing to laugh.  Critical.

12) If you want to work out, fine, but I’m not going to the gym with you unless it’s to play racquetball.  I WILL NOT WATCH YOU DO CURLS IN FRONT OF A MIRROR!

13) Ice cream:  We will order TWO cones, and no, you may not have a bite from my spoon…………and by the way, no spooning at all!

14) No foot rubs…….period.

15) Astroturf lawn, unless you want to mow grass.

16) On Christmas, I only require a Mad Magazine and an orange in my stocking, labeled “happily not gay, but married”.

17) No Cats!  Unless they’re really cool cats.

And 18)  You must be at least 18.

Oh, and one member on my list suggested we never listen to the song, “Afternoon Delight” while driving with one another in a lime green Volkswagon Bug.

This list could go on and on and on and on like Star Trek, but I’m done for the morning. You provide the rest.

G bye

Much of my material comes from those I know and love, or people I don’t know yet despise.  This will be painless.  My brother, who I love, used to give out potatoes on Halloween.  After spending money on countless bashed in windows from the recourse of said potatoes, he has now found some form of redemption regarding the happy day where we can provide cavities for thousands of our tax paying youths.  Steve, my brother, no longer gives out potatoes on Halloween, he gives out advice.

What counselor will be tossed through his current window, and how much will it cost my brother and that young man dressed in a Yota costume for paying for this?  Yota would provide better advice.  “Sacred the Windows they are…..knocks on doors not.  Lay inside, secret apprentice, yes?”