Prayer

Religion and decisions, much like politics, are tricky subjects.  I voice my opinions with God, Jesus, the Catholic Rosary, my wife, some dear friends, and my mother. The latter seems to be the most impressive.

I have decided to rely on my mother’s faith, genuine goodness, a dose of prayer, drizzled with a wonderful wife, to live my life as properly as I could wish.

A very fortunate man.

By the wayside, don’t rely on Trump to run our nation.  He is a perfect example of what our mothers warned us about.

 

Out of the Woods

My wife was out of town for a few days so I thought I’d surprise her with something special upon her return.  I not only purchased a new toilet seat for our master bathroom, I installed it as well.  This was meant to astonish her and anyone who knows me (the installation part).

As a novice with respectful regard to toilet seat purchasing, I quickly found out there are two kinds of toilet seats.  The home furnishing store I visited offered plastic seats and wood seats.  Knowing ours was not plastic, I chose the wood.  It turned out to be the wisest marital and latrine choice I could possibly make.

We have three bathrooms in our house…..not that you care.  I do.  My wife’s first choice of bathrooms after retuning from her journey was the wrong one.  With excited anticipation, when she entered the one closest to our entrance, I yelled, “Why are you using that bathroom!?”  She looked at me as though I may be crazy.  It’s a look I commonly receive.  I could only wonder when she would be ready to use the new toilet seat upstairs.  I may be a bit goofy, but it isn’t often when I say something such as, “Hey, you should use our bathroom upstairs.  Wouldn’t that be fun?”  It wasn’t until the wee hours of the night when she finally used it.  Coming back to bed, I was wide awake, excited to hear about her new thrown and tell her of the proud King who installed it.  Nothing.  I decided to let it rest.  It was was indeed for the best.

The next day, my wife informed me that our five year anniversary is right around the corner, and she then asked me what significance five years may have for those lasting this long in bliss.  Knowing five years is a record for both of us, that was my only response.  She then needled me further about silver, gold, platinum, and other more recognizable anniversaries representing marriages lasting more than five years.  As a certified neanderthal, I stared at her with furrowed eyebrows and a snarled mouth halfway open.  This is our way of saying, “Are you serious?” Or, “How the Hell should I know?”  She caught the drift before any words could blow hard from my lungs.  Then, as usual, she educated me about something I don’t give a crap about.  Evidently, since the middle ages, people have celebrated each anniversary with a traditional gift associated with that year.  Less significant anniversaries are associated with gifts of paper, aluminum, glass, lint, plastic, and even foam rubber.  As a man of culture and science, I pondered her lesson and could only think, speak and wish for one thing the five year anniversary might offer: Beef Jerky?  Sadly, no.

Being a very fortunate man, in our wedding vows, we agreed to NOT purchase one another gifts on anniversaries, only take trips to places such as Tijuana, Spokane Washington or Bora Bora.  Since we have neither the time nor patience to travel with one another outside our zip code right now, I guess I decided to break one of our sacred marital vows.  The traditional five year anniversary gift actually is wood.  Look it up.  That wood toilet seat sure came in handy this year.

Now, I only have to remember the date.

 

 

 

Encyclopedia (Britt)anica (It’s O.K.)

There comes a moment, or perhaps moments in one’s life when you truly believe it’s just time to pack up and leave.  You may leave your town, your profession, your spiritual or political beliefs, or you may even leave your house.  Some people choose to run away from everything, even their mom.  My wife chose to do this at the ripe young age of four.

Knowing my wife, Britt, since the age of thirteen, I always knew she was pretty independent and even perhaps a bit stubborn at times, but I had no idea her stubbornness would lead her to such a drastic decision barely after infancy.  Not until recently did I find out she left her mother at such young age.  Yes, she was a four year old runaway, but why?  I had to know.

Evidently, although her memories are slightly fogged, fashion played a key role in her departure.  Constantly, Britt and her mother would argue over what she was to wear on any given day.  This began at the age of three months, but boiled over at age four.  There was nothing specific, just general, daily garment disagreements.  So, in Britt’s eyes, leaving her home and mother wasn’t impulsive.  After over a three year battle with her mother, Gail, it was time to leave.

She’d been planning it for years……the leaving part anyway.   She knew she’d need a suitcase, but that’s where her plan ended.  She had memorized her exit speech, opening and closing the door, and staring down the road of fashion independence bliss, but beyond that, how else she would survive hadn’t crossed her mind.  Nevertheless, the day had come for her say her goodbye.

Britt waltzed into her room to collect some of her belongings, and even though she struggled picking out the perfect outfits for her journey, surely she wouldn’t ask her mother for advice.  The very thought of this would embarrass the entire proud community of runaways.  Running away would lose all its meaning.  She was preschooler, and a woman, of principal.  Finally, she made up her mind regarding the collectibles and garments, placed them all in the suitcase and headed for the door.

Exit Speech:  (Facing her mother) “I’m running away.”

Her words were crisp, concise, and uttered without signs of remorse.  Her mother simply replied, “O.k.”

As Britt carried her suitcase to the door, she turned and waved goodbye.  Quickly, her mother stopped her.  “Wait a minute, Britt.  Since you are leaving, you’ll need these.”  Instead of packing more 1970’s casual wear into Britt’s suitcase, she began filling it with a set of encyclopedias.   “These will help you along your journey.  Good luck!”  To me, this was thee most clever, if not brilliant anti-runaway chess move in the history of runaway lore.

Now, one could argue that Gail’s strategy was to place so many of these books in the suitcase that her daughter would be anchored to change her mind.  The sheer weight alone should have prevented Britt from leaving, not to mention the extensive amount of reading required.  Or, one might argue Gail was merely amusing herself.  (But, Gail knew Britt better than anyone on this earth.)  Never one to accept failure gracefully, Gail knew Britt would give it her best shot.  Indeed she did.   Although far too heavy to carry for a four year old, Britt’s iron will, along with tremendous passion and desire would somehow help her manage to drag that suitcase throughout the cosmetic world.  Grunting in her tye dyed dress, she made it through the door.  One last glance at her mother, and she was off to the nearest Bon Marche.

Making it a full three houses down the road, almost an entire block, Britt needed a break.  Fortunately, the third house was her Grandma Ruthie’s.   If nothing else, Grandma Ruthie might offer Britt a stale cookie providing a little sugar energy when she continued blazing her path to designer clothing paradise.  Before Britt could knock on the door with one of her calloused hands, Ruthie had already opened it.  Oddly, Grandma Ruthie almost looked as if she was expecting Britt.

“Well, hello, Britt!  C’mon in, Dear.  Where are you going with all that stuff?  Here.  Have a cookie.”

“Thanks, Grandma Ruthie. I’m running away.”

“Did you tell your mother?”

“Yes.”

“What did she say?”

“She said ‘good luck’.”

“Do you want to call her and tell her you are ok?”

“No.”

“That’s quite a suitcase.  What’s in it?”

“A bunch of heavy books mom put in it.  They may as well be bricks.”

With a phony gasp, “Oh my, this must be a set of encyclopedias.  Your mother must care a great deal for you if she sent these with you.   She might even love you.  You will need these.”

“I guess, but the clothes she makes me wear make me look like a clown.”

“I understand, Dear.  Have another cookie.”

“Thank you.”

After devouring another cookie tasting like yesterday’s newspaper, Britt began to miss her mother.  Forgetting about the fashion line she was designing, she began thinking about the nurturing line her mother was providing, and it made as much sense as it could for a woman who was four years old.

“Are you sure you don’t want to call your mother?  It’s been almost fifteen minutes.”

“Ok.”

Britt called her mother and thanked her for the encyclopedias and informed her she hadn’t had the time to read any of them yet.  She also asked if she could come back home. Her mother, Gail, said, “Ok.”

One year later, Britt honed her negotiating skills when it came to apparel selection.  She and her mother made a deal.  As long as Gail could choose what Britt would wear to school, Britt could choose whatever she wished before and after school.  So, all was o.k..until she became a teenager.  That’s when she began reading the encyclopedia and wearing makeup.

 

 

Credit This

My wife is traveling to New York, and she is stressed with regards to the packing.   I told her to pack a credit card, keep her clothes on, and make sure she has enough coins to ride the subway.  It’s that simple.

My brother, Greg, rarely travels, but when he does, he packs three items:  the clothes he has on his back, his wallet, and a credit card.  STRESS FREE.

It is an exceptionally divine means of travel.

Mark Twain was quoted as saying “Golf is a terrific way to ruin a nice walk”.  Even though I love Samuel Clemens, I am prepared to canonize my  brother as a more profound quotation device (not to be confused a flotation device) in the twenty something century.

“When traveling, bring your current clothes, an ID, and a credit card.”  (Greg Gannon)

Eat Night of the Century

Is it the fight of the century?  I guess.  It’s only 2015.  We are paying one hundred dollars to see the bout between two boxers on our color television set.  I can’t even mention the fighters’ names because it would do an injustice to the pugilistic society.  Both are tremendous boxers, but neither will match the greatness of the likes or unlikes of Ali, Frazier, Leonard, Duran, Marciano, or Rocky.

Will the fight be worth it?  I guess.  Several members of the non boxing community sanctioned by me will be attending this function at our house.  Their tupperware filled with side dishes accompanying the pulled pork and chicken wings we provide will be their cover charge.  Will that be worth it?  Yes.

The food and company was worth it. The fight was merely a leftover nobody wished to take home.   Next time, we’ll just do it without a fight.

 

 

Hiyah!!!

My great nephew, Rocco, is truly great.  When he visits our house, he is well mannered, fun, and possesses a terrific personality.  Additionally, at the age of five, he has a fondness for technology and, like his mother and father, wants to always remain on the cutting edge of it.  However, his father, Pat, and mother, Lacy, wisely, always want to stay at least one step, or in this case, one karate chop ahead of him.

Rocco and his family enjoy using a selfie stick.  For those of you who don’t know, a selfie stick can be described as an elongated stick you can attach to your camera or mobile phone, allowing you to take better pictures or films of yourself or others in the background.  (I like to refer to it as a long distance facial stick.)  The stick also can be attached to a strap which is wrapped around your chest, leaving the camera hands free.   After filming yourself, you can then watch the unedited footage from a computer with your parents observing the action.   It’s basically the worst idea for a child to have attached to their chest.  Actually, unless taking a family photo, it’s just the worst idea since unsliced bread.

At one point, Rocco believed the selfie stick was a hell of an idea with thoughts of capturing every move he made in his backyard.  I can’t blame him.  Everyone wishes to see themselves on T.V., and, sometimes, just once is enough.

One afternoon, Rocco had one of his neighborhood cousins over to play in the yard.  Promising to be careful with the selfie stick and camera, Rocco was allowed to use it until dinner time.  With no surprise, after a while, there was a bit of a ruckus in the backyard between the two cousins, and Rocco was brought in for dinner while his cousin was taken home crying.  Selfie stick status:  Unharmed.  The ruckus was deemed by both sets of parents as nothing but the usual sibling disagreement, or they were just plain tired and hungry.

Post dinner, Rocco’s parents asked if they could watch the footage before his bedtime.  Reluctantly, Rocco agreed, and they all watched the magnificent cinematography with laughter for thirty glorious minutes.  At the 31st minute of his directorial debut, strangely, Rocco asked if he could excuse himself to bed early.  His parents found this odd because, clearly, there were fifteen minutes remaining of the backyard motion picture, and Rocco had never requested to head to the fart sack earlier than completely necessary.  Nevertheless, they excused him, but keenly, knew something was rotten in their neighborhood.  Although tired of the feature film, they decided to finish the remaining fifteen minutes on their own.  They weren’t disappointed with the entertainment value, just a little with Rocco.

While making sure Rocco was tucked into bed, they walked downstairs and pressed the play button again.  After several minutes had lapsed,  what sounded to be the start of a disagreement with Rocco’s cousin turned into one precise universal word echoed throughout the neighborhood by Rocco,  thus completely explaining why he was so eager to slumber.  “HIYAH!”  Pat and Lacy heard Rocco’s bellow on the computer loud and clear just before his tiny little hand landed a karate chop on his cousin’s outstretched paw which may or may not have been reaching for the selfie stick.  Crying soon ensued and the ruckus mystery was solved.  Making the biggest selfie stick mistake a five year old can make, Rocco had filmed himself committing this egregious act of toddler violence.

Since Rocco’s parents are rational people, I believe they had an honest chat with him about his misbehavior, but didn’t take the incident too seriously.  Evidently, Rocco was sincerely sorry and would apologize to his cousin the next time they met.  However, Rocco had a serious question for them the next morning.  He asked them, just in case he was allowed to use the selfie stick in the future, where the pause button was located on the phone camera.  I told you he was great.

 

 

 

Marching Out of Madness (Without Grace)

WE’RE NOT ALL WINNERS!!!

Years ago, I loved to gamble, and I did quite a bit of it.  And, I can honestly say I was pretty crummy at it.  It never became an addiction, just a hobby.  You know, one of those hobbies where you take c-notes (one hundred dollar bills) wad them up into little balls and toss them into a dumpster, hoping one lucky bum will find them.  Since I wasn’t married, had no children, and it was my money, I figured it was okie dokie.

I don’t know why, but I lost interest after a while.  It’s been years since I’ve even had the urge to place a wager on a pony (unless it’s the Kentucky Derby) or a professional team.  However, if you call filling out a college basketball bracket and handing someone twenty dollars “gambling”, well, then I’m still a pretty lousy gambler.

This year, as millions of others did, my wife and I participated in a pool of drowning bettors wishing to win a small sum of money and a dash of pride during college basketball’s March Madness.  The name is appropriate.  Although this month of sporting excitement can be loads of fun, it can also be wildly maddening.

People all over the country brag about their tournament picks before tipoff, and shortly after tipoff, those same people are ripping the piece of paper displaying their senseless decisions into millions of embarrassing shreds and then burning them out of recycling spite.  This is the dark path gambling can take you.  (It’s a felony in the states of Oregon and Washington, amongst others, to burn paper.) No, I’m not referring to myself.  I’m far more environmentally conscience than that.  Not wanting to waste a piece of paper, I keep all my picks on my computer.

Wishing to explain the process in not too much detail, I will merely say that in our group of imbeciles, one must attempt to choose all of the winners in a sixty four team college basketball bracket, including the champion before the madness begins.  Points are gathered along the road, and you want to have the most wins, especially the champion.  This is not an easy task, but most semi-intelligent gamblers can have fun throughout most of the three week tournament, hoping to be victorious.

Whatever the grade below semi-intelligent gamblers is, I’m a member even below that one.  Even though my wife and I picked the teams collectively, she wanted me to pick the champion.  As the man who wears the cargo shorts in the family, I should have demanded she choose the winner.  But, I deferred to her suggestion and chose with every ounce of knowledge I didn’t possess.  As a result, I did not choose wisely.  The team I chose to win the national championship was out the first day of the tournament, thus leaving us a 2 and 1/3 million to one chance of winning the pot of greens at the end of the tournament.  Since my wife and I were in this together, we were watching our team go down like a barn in a cyclone.  Ironically, our team was the Iowa State Cyclones.

During the game, even though it was close, I could sense the Cyclones were destined for failure, and as much as I tried to summon the gambling Gods and ask for advice on how I could possibly place the blame on my wife for this devastating loss, the prayers were answered by the Gods telling me to shut my pig headed mouth, and keep the remote in her hands.  Because gamblers are remote controls’ worst nightmares for fear of being smashed or tossed into a far away land, I followed part of their advice.  I handed the remote control to her, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.  Before officially marching out of madness, I released an “F-Bomb”. It was a bomb men, women, children and animals could hear all across our zip code.  Usually, I reserve these for the golf course, or any place where my wife can’t hear them.  Following the obscenity, I then marched right outside the house, because I knew that’s where the woman wearing the cargo pants in our house would send me.  Just because you’re old enough to gamble, it doesn’t mean you aren’t a child.

March Madness is officially over for us, and so are the “F bombs” from me.  But, baseball is right around the corner, and believe me, if you hear an “F bomb” floating around the Pacific Northwest, just check the Seattle Mariner box score for a loss, and know these ones are not resonating from me, but from my lovely counterpart.  During baseball season, these are tossed around our house like salad, and it gives me a little ammunition for the next time I gamble on anything.

Appreciating Gifts: It’s a Gift

Recently, I’ve been informed by social media that children are now registering for birthday gifts much like future married couples and later divorcees have done for decades.  Some people may think this is a reasonable and efficient idea, but other than vomiting, I don’t have much to say about this issue.  Personally, I don’t have a problem with gift giving and receiving, but I do have a bit of a problem with certain celebrations of birthdays at young ages.  When countless friends and relatives are invited, the birthday Prince or Princess doesn’t always seem too appreciative of the gifts showered upon his or her royal crowns, thus creating a sense of entitled greed.

Perhaps, I’m just too old fashioned.  When I was child, I remember annually receiving gifts from my parents at very modest parties. Once in a while, a neighbor might show up for a piece of cake, but I knew my parents frowned on inviting many friends over, because they didn’t want them to feel obligated to bring anything for me.   Or, perhaps I just didn’t have many friends.

I once received a gift from a friend at school on my birthday, and the outcome was bitter sweet.   I still feel awful about my lack of appreciation for the gesture of kindness to this very day.   It was my saddest and most memorable of gifts.

In the eighth grade, I befriended a girl, and we eventually, according to others, became the school’s most conceited couple.  She found out that my birthday was coming soon and wished to purchase me a gift.  I begged her not to buy me anything.  Since I didn’t receive an allowance, I knew when her birthday came knocking on my wallet, other than a student body identification card, the only items filling it might be a couple of baseball cards.  So, unless she liked baseball cards, she would have to settle for a dandelion I could pick in our backyard.

Continuing to pester me, shrewdly, I announced to her what I wanted for my birthday: A new car.  Most thirteen year olds can’t afford this, so I thought it ended the discussion.  Indeed, it did.  And, of course, on my birthday, she still presented to me a gift at the lunch table we had been sitting at together for the previous five months.  In front of all our other friends, I opened it, and it was a car.  It was a remote controlled car.  Actually, I had never had one, and all my guy friends were impressed and a little envious.  So, we all took it out to the pavement outside the lunchroom and I let them all play around with it.  I then told her how much I liked it and gave her a hug.  For me, this was a display of sincere gratitude.  Usually, she couldn’t even get me to hold her hand.

A few months later, she presented me with another surprise at lunch. She broke up with me.  When you’re that young, breakups shouldn’t mean that much to you, but this one did.  For years, all I really cared about was sports.  Now, I found myself really liking this girl, so you could say I was a bit heartbroken.  What was wrong with me? Additionally, since she couldn’t provide a proper reason for the breakup, you could say I was a bit PISSED.  Nevertheless, I took it in stride, said goodbye, and did what any mature thirteen year old would do in this situation.  After baseball practice, I went home, walked into my room and looked at the car and my baseball bat.   Grabbing them both, I strolled out the backdoor, and I remember mother asking me, “Where are you going with that bat and car?”  Calmly, I told her I was heading out to the field beyond our backyard.  She just looked at me strangely.  When I made it to the field, I beat the holy hell out of that car into a thousand little plastic and rubber pieces.  Moments after I did it, I think I felt shame, but at the same time, closure.  Years after I did it, I’d matured slightly and sometimes thought about her and the car and what a horribly rotten thing I’d done.  The car was long gone, and it could never be replaced, along with my lack of appreciation for it.

Although she and I went to the same high school, we never spoke once to one another.  However, twenty five years later after that incident, somehow, the girl and I met again.   Being very contrite about what I’d done all those years ago, with a chuckle, she provided proper forgiveness.  Six months later, we were married.  We share that story with many of the same friends we had long ago, because they remember the car but never properly knew the reason for its demise.  It always makes them laugh or get angry wondering why I just didn’t give it to one of them.

Now, I tell her each day how much I appreciate her, and she says thank you and reciprocates the notion.  Now that’s a gift I can appreciate and won’t beat the hell out of with a bat.

Here’s To New Years (My Toast to Some People)

Hashtag:  I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  Sadly, I have an excuse.

If the world was a safe place, we’d all be in better shape.

Let’s make this clear.  I don’t enjoy jogging.  If someone was chasing me years ago, I used to enjoy a good sprint now and then.  Unless I am  participating in a sport involving some sort of ball, with the exception of soccer, I get no kick out of running these days.  However, since we live next to a beautifully wooded park with trees filled with squirrels, owls, eagles, and sometimes, murderers, I make it a point to stroll through the park on a daily basis.  Walking becomes my movement of choice so I can more easily spot the beauty nesting, perching, crawling, or spying from the trees.

I like to take advantage of the park by either walking or jogging in it with one of our dogs.  If I have my choice of walking or running in a park whose trails lead to the majestic Puget Sound with an Olympic Mountain backdrop as opposed to a gymnasium where there are far too many mirrors. I choose the outdoors.  It’s a terrifically medicinal and physically healthful activity for Etta (the only dog who wakes up as early as I do) and me.

Mornings work best for me when working out.  If I don’t do it then, I probably won’t do it all.  Getting some exercise out of the way early also allows me to return home to share quality time with my wife who claims she has a job to get to by nine or ten in the morning.  Seems like a win win for all of us.  Not so damn fast.  The sun doesn’t rise until about 7:30, and I am ready to roll by 6:00 a.m..  In a perfect world, this shouldn’t be a problem or an excuse for me not to get my Irish Icehole down to the park on a daily morning basis.  Unfortunately, there is a significant glitch and legitimate excuse for me to stay home and, instead, use our eucalyptus (elliptical) machine which I despise.  Annually, there is a murder at this park when the sun is down.  People are advised to stay out of the park until daylight hours.  Normally, if I didn’t have a family to feed my family, (and by that, I mean cook for) I would probably take my chances.  (It’s probably the only reason my wife doesn’t encourage me to go.)  But, there is nothing worse than worrying about being ambushed at any moment passing a tree by a common ne’er-do-well lurking behind one of the pines sporting a knife, gun, machete or chainsaw.

So, here’s a toast to all those sons of bitches out there who scare the hell out of me, making it that much more difficult for me to maintain my girlish figure and for all those others struggling to fulfill their New Year’s Resolutions because of these Lincoln Park Pirates.  I guess most of the pirates won’t be capable of reading this, so I will do the next best thing any good Catholic boy would do.  I will simply pray for them each night and request they all burn in Hell.

Cheers

 

A Modern Holiday Proposal

(After I read this ridiculous piece, I thought of how it should be properly heard. If you can remember Barney Fife from the old Andy Griffith show, it may be more appreciated.  Imagine him delivering this proposal to a group of adults.)

There lies a unique unfairness and inequity amongst most holiday traditions whether you celebrate them or not.  Holiday mascots are accepted with grace, except at the Thanksgiving table, where it should be the most applicable.  I’d like to change that.  Let me begin with the most ridiculous before making my proposal.

St. Patrick’s Day and the Leprechaun, or Lepre “con” Artist:  The day itself, other than getting pinched by greasy fingered little boys and girls if you’re not wearing your best emerald green on that day, can be a hoot.  With terrifically high probability, you may also end up in the hoosegow (local jail)……not such a hoot.  This is especially true when, being released, the officers only hand you back your wallet filled with mandatory counseling sessions instead of the pot of gold promised at the end of that phony rainbow by an even phonier dwarf.

Easter and the Easter Bunny:  At least this has some religious redemption, but personally, as a youngster, I have sprained more ankles trying to find hard boiled eggs, only for those eggs to be consumed angrily by uncles and aunts concluding their pious vows of Lent, while fasting and then feasting off of deviled eggs and alcohol.

The Tooth Fairy on any day of the year:  Get the hell out of here!  I wish my parents would have just told me this one didn’t exist.  Any form of ghost, even if they wish to give me a quarter, is not welcomed into my bedroom.

Santa Claus, A.K.A. Old St. Nick and Christmas: This is a tough one for those of us old enough to recognize him before Jesus.  But, just ask anyone younger than the age of eighteen, and I’ll bet you they acknowledge the big guy with the presents before the baby sacrificing his life for us.  Dispatch the three kings delivering a bunch of presents to those who have been with or without sin for a year, and you are left with one fat bearded guy cramming himself down your chimney annually, and quite generously, for the rest of your life.  Look what the milk and cookies dragged in.

This brings us to Thanksgiving and my holiday proposal.  For centuries, not ONE of the former fictional holiday mascots I’ve written about brings us a pot of gold, quarters, eggs or gifts on Thanksgiving.  As adults, we don’t really give a damn.  Thanksgiving is the only natural holiday where we don’t forget the food, but we do forget the children.  We thirst upon mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, stuffing and turkey as though we are too old for candy on Halloween.  Our children only witness our gluttony with pain and anguish waiting for the pies and “a la” anything rich with sugar to be unveiled from the oven.  Do they dream of anything the night before Thanksgiving?  No.  If only they had something to believe in which has been shrouded in mystery.  Therefore, I propose, only as a write-in, “Sasquatch” or “Bigfoot”, to be the official, 2015 and beyond, Thanksgiving Day Mascot. My agnostic views regarding this subject only provide further substance to the, otherwise, outlandish topic.

What will Bigfoot bring to the Thanksgiving table? Probably nothing, other than the cornucopia presented by them to the natives and pilgrims centuries ago.  However, your children will either be terrified and/or excited straight down to the britches at the possibility of this creature strolling through their back yard the night before the feast.  In order for the children to get excited, they need more than turkeys, pilgrims and drunken uncles to dream about the night before Thanksgiving.  They require something as universally recognized (or sometimes unrecognizable) as the elusive eight to ten foot tall hairy Sasquatch to dance and stomp on their roof on Thanksgiving Eve.  As peaceful as that may not seem, rest assure, your children will be wide awake the following day afraid to speak to their elders regarding such a preposterous idea.   This is precisely what the elders wish.  On Thanksgiving, the children should be afraid and not heard.

What shall the children place in the yard for Sasquatch as a form of acceptance?  Since this a professional study, according to scientific analysis, they eat mostly roses, blueberries and blackberries when in season.  Seeing as November is not the season for such ruffage, Sasquatches will settle for mashed potatoes and gravy.  They are particularly finicky about their gravy.  Lumps will only agitate them, and since they are also particularly interested in throwing large rocks when agitated, I would advise you keep the gravy smooth.

How does one know a Sasquatch is present during the holiday gathering if one of our bipedal brothers from other hairy mothers doesn’t arrive?  Physical evidence does not only rely on a dead specimen.  This evidence may be gathered by hair samples, scat, (bigfoot droppings) or even voice recognition, save for the text version.  The colorful and hair raising “whoop whoop whoop” disguised gracefully by Bigfoot’s second cousins, “the Swinging Singing Siamea,” can only be heard in its most natural of habitat, “AnyZooUsa”.  However, they can’t be heard on the last Thursday of  each November.  According to legend, those “whoops” on Thanksgiving are a guttural cry which can only stem from the belly of a Bigfoot.   If one is fortunate, the “whoops” can be heard when the human family is eating dinner, but, much like leftovers, they are only left for the believers.  Some naysayers believe the “whoops” are contrived from human relatives singing their praise for the smooth gravy and moist turkey.  Yet, when the “burps” arrive and the “whoops” subside, there is only momentary silence.

That’s when the legendary “whoops” remain.  Just like an angel receiving her wings when a bell rings on Christmas, when a person gives sincere thanks for the beautiful meal provided on Thanksgiving, arriving in the form of a burp, the Sasquatch and his family grows another beard; thus, keeping itself hidden within the trees and brush where it perhaps belongs.