A Hearty Stew (For Everyone)

imageFor Mother’s Day, I decided to make a stew.  I didn’t do it for my mother.  Rather, I did it for a dog.  Seeking the proper ingredients necessary for a hearty stew, I visited the local farmer’s market bagging fresh carrots, garlic, peas, corn, pearl onions, yukon gold potatoes, brussels sprouts, and, of course, stew meat.  I had to drop by a common store for the stock.  We will share this stew with our dog, Jack, because that’s what my mom would want.

Even when our mother was cooking stew for eight to ten people at a time, including a few others who had moved out of the house, she still saved some for our dog, Bolivar.  It was beautiful to witness her care so much for a dog, as though he was one of her own litter.   It was beautiful right up to the point when one of her sons, working and living outside the house, yet remaining in the same zip code, could smell the stew from afar.

Left over stew simmering on the stove for Bolivar, my mother was probably doing laundry, dusting, windexing every window in the house, vacuuming, or praying for a break when an intruder slipped into our house and ate our dog’s lunch.  She caught him with a mouthful and read him a prison riot act. (This was very uncommon for my mother to read riot acts.)  It was our brother, Steve, who had a knack for smelling and eating everything edible, even if it was meant for a dog.

Our mother loved and cared for anyone walking on two legs or four, but she was also very fair.  Steve had probably eaten twice that day before lunch, and mom knew it.  Bolivar deserved that meal, and Steve, good soul that he is, was shamed into cooking another stew for a hungry dog.

Sweetness

“You guys, my daughter is so smart.”  “Hey, seriously, my son is really, really good at everything.”  (Cue the trumpets.) “I hereby declare, our dog is the sweetest, kindest, most polite and dumbest canine God has bestowed upon us all, and I will fight any man or woman who says otherwise!”  I’ve been guilty of one of these former proclamations.

Parents of children and animals whip these phrases around as if they are stone cold  gospel only furthering themselves from parishioners questioning their beliefs.  Sometimes, when it comes to family, pride can cloud our judgment, much like honesty can get you in a heap of trouble with your significant other.

I’m not knocking parents, because I think they actually convince themselves that these statements are true, and that, my friends, is unconditional love. It is also, sometimes, confirmation of their legal blindness.  When their sons or daughters grow up, they may or may not end up being astronauts, professional athletes, rap stars, blackjack or coke dealers, but, one way or another, they will, without exception, live up to some form of standard.

Etta and BrittWhen my wife and I had our first child, a bernese mountain dog we named Etta,  after about two years of her life, I determined that she wasn’t terribly smart.  Sweet, but not smart.  (Sometimes, I prefer people with similar characteristics.  It seems to clear up the pretentiousness.)   None too happy about my remark, for months my wife denied our ebony and ivory fur ball was anything short of future canine valedictorian status.

Not being a member of the “make your animals do tricks” organization, my wife and I would just give simple orders.  “Sit, please.”   “Wait……wait.”  “Where’s your ball?”  In addition to finding her gigantic beach ball sitting just feet away from her, she was pretty good at the former two commands or suggestions as well.  But, it was her genuinely goofy, rather dumb looking smile she would maintain at all times, making you think her mind was in another room or county.

Frequently traveling with Etta and our other dog, Jack, gave us time to evaluate her intelligence, or lack there of, outside of her comfort zone.  Six years ago, my nephew was participating in a wrestling tournament in Wenatchee, Washington in mid December.  Although there was a winter storm warning, we packed up the dogs and headed east, opting to stay the night at a dog friendly hotel.  After the tournament, and before heading to bed, we took the dogs outside for a potty break and a romp in the six inches of snowfall.  Being impervious to the cold, our large dogs had a blast as we threw gigantic snowballs directed at their bulbous heads, only to laugh at them attempting to catch the balls in their mouths.  It was terrific family fun, and Etta’s goofy smile never wavered.  Not being impervious to the cold, my wife and I finally decided it was time to head back to the room.  Etta must have understood the outdoor fun was over, and before we could tell them to follow us back to the room, Etta decided to lead the way, and surprisingly, she was heading precisely to our room which had direct access outside from the first floor.  My wife, Britt, looked at me with excitement and said, “She knows which room we’re in.  I don’t think she’s as dumb as you think she is.”  At that very moment, Etta busted through the screen door to our room and dove onto our bed, soaking it with her drenched locks.  The grin she maintained as we followed her path into the room negated any lecture we may have provided as we looked from her to the now useless screen door on the rug, riddled with a less than inconspicuous hole.  I then looked at my wife with a smile and didn’t say a word.  We never spoke of her intellect again.

For eight years, this  warm and wonderful dog warned us when people were in our driveway.  If she liked you, she’d rest peacefully at your feet.  When having fun, her laughter was a gregarious bark.  Although not bred for swimming, she would happily retrieve tennis balls in the Puget Sound on a sunny day just to please us.  After inadvertently passing wind in our living room, embarrassed, Etta would quietly excuse herself to her own doggie timeout, even though we didn’t mind.  When Britt or I were sick, she’d sense it and huddle close to comfort us.  When Jack, six years older than Etta, needed to go outside for a break, she’d come upstairs to let us know.  Up until the day of her passing, I don’t remember her tail not waging.   She may not have been the smartest dog on the block, but no one who met her, whether it be at home, the park, the vet clinic, or on vacation could present an argument that she wasn’t the sweetest dog in our world.

Etta and Ben

 

 

Dancing with the Pirates

Convincing my wife to watch “Dancing with the Stars” with me the other evening caused her to look at me as though I’d finally started taking hallucinogenic drugs.  Of course, I don’t use drugs.  That still remains years and blocks down the path of my bumpy life. She was surprised, because I’d never made such a suggestion.  Late at night, it’s usually Seinfeld or Jaws putting us to sleep.

For years, my mother and one of my brothers have watched this dazzling show and find it entertaining, so I thought we’d give it a shot.  It was entertaining.  You put a pair of dancing boots on Geraldo Riviera, and it guarantees entertainment, in the most sinister of ways.   Not that I can dance, but if Geraldo’s partner just brought a carry on cardboard cutout through customs of him on stage, you wouldn’t have known the difference.  I don’t mind making fun of Geraldo.  I felt he owed me after making me suffer through three hours of mindless television regarding an Al Capone vault not providing any substance or resolution as to why we paid for television.

Years ago, when this delightful program began to air, my mother immediately took interest.  So, living in another city and speaking to her only once a week, I always wished to take interest in her leisurely activities.  Watching “Dancing with the Stars” and “Little House on the Prairie” was one of her activities.

Not giving a Yankee dime about the outcome of the dancers’ demise, I loved my mother’s commentary.  Similar to rooting for a baseball, football or basketball team you don’t give a crap about, you wish to support the ones you love, even if it involves dancing or soccer.  I wanted to root for her horse in this race.

“Who are you pulling for, mom?”

“I’m rooting for the girl with the wooden leg.”

With my sister laughing in the background, I replied with some distraction and incredulousness. “What?  Is this dancing with the stars, or dancing with the pirates?  Does she dance with an eye patch, and is the parrot on her shoulder taking lessons as well?”

Turns out, Paul McCartney’s ex wife was participating in the event, and I had no clue she had a wooden leg, or “prosthetic” now used in times following ancient Greece.  Loving my mother, unconditionally, I had to root for the lady with the wooden leg.

Costa Robbery

My wife’s current place of employment, Deet Bug Spray, is sending her to Costa Rica for research regarding the recent malaria outbreak. She’s worried about the journey because she only speaks fluent English, a dose of French, some Gaelic, but no Spanish.  As an educated man, I provided some pointers. (Other than two years of taking Spanish in high school where the only words I recall are “caca” and “punta”, I had to reach deeper into my pocket of trilingual specialties for her survival phrases.)

My favorite movie, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, provided more practical Spanish than two years of me ignoring my high school teacher.  “Manos Arriba.” Estu Es Un Robo.”  Translation: Put your hands in up!  This is a robbery.  I haven’t explained what the phrases properly mean to my wife, but I know when she enters a restaurant, she will either get free tacos or sent to jail.  Either way, it will be funny.

Adios.

 

 

 

Catch of the Day

My wife and I recently won the sweepstakes and decided to take a trip to a place where it only rains once a day.  Sometimes, it may rain every other day, but since I used to be a betting man, there is only one guarantee on an island other than the time: The fish is always fresh.

One of the most glorious and, to many others, seemingly meaningless pleasures in my wonderful world is ordering something off the menu without actually looking at the menu.  (I take the menu home later for leisurely bedtime reading.)

“What will you have to order?”

“The catch of the day.”

“How will you like it prepared?”

“However the chef prepares it.”

This is why I carry Benadryl in my wallet at all times preparing for uncomfortable and life threatening allergies.  If the fish is fresh, there is a slight chance, twenty minutes later after eating it, my throat may be shutting similar to the bars at Alcatraz, and my face may look similar to the puffer fish I may have consumed.  Either way, well worth it.

I do feel safe when my wife is with me to witness this production and keep her ” well charged” cell phone with her at all times in case 911 may come in handy.

Sometimes, I wonder if the catch of the day is the fish or my wife.  I’ll take the latter.

It’s that Time of Rear Again

“Uranus is a dark, scary, gaseous planet.” C.O. Hanson

Other than the “scary” adjective, those are the facts.

A good friend of mine just had their annual colonoscopy.  Another good friend of mine teaches middle school. Those are also facts.  Which is worse?  It’s debatable.  This is clearly a compare and contrast or chicken and egg situation.

My close friend teaching middle school Science has the unique opportunity to discuss our galaxy annually to a group of students who are more intrigued with Uranus than any other planet.  Many years ago, when I did my time, or penance, as a middle school teacher, a young man coined the phrase, “What happens in Uranus, stays in Uranus”.  Science teachers were introducing a unit requiring students to create travel brochures for planets, and this young man came up with the best planet catch phrase in the Milky Way.

After the student submitted his brochure to his Science teacher, the teacher immediately walked down the hallway, brochure in hand, to the English teaching wing of the school.  It was his first year at the school, and he was asking me, of all people, for my advice as to whether this was appropriate and what type of grade the student should receive.  I responded with laughter, and further believed the student should receive an A+ for creativity.

A few years back, I retired from teaching middle school, but my friend remains in this dark, scary, gaseous planet.  And, annually, he must properly describe the difference between “Your Anus” and “Uranus” before conducting his solar system unit.

 

Sometimes, It’s the Worst of Times

For those of us who don’t murder others out of spite, religion or politics, I applaud you.  Why can’t it be that easy?

In general, I’m opposed to murder, and don’t wish this piece to shape anyone’s, or my lack of knowledge, regarding the tensions between Sunni, Shiite, Sundried, and Sunnyside up Muslims.  I simply don’t understand these religious gangs of the Middle East. That’s the only way I can describe them.

I know as much about politics as George W. Bush, therefore, I disqualify myself from competing in debates I wisely avoid.  I simply don’t, or don’t choose to, understand.

After watching the news for several hours last weekend regarding the terrorism in France, I thought it may be prudent to research why people were dying in Paris.  Watching cartoons, similar to what I viewed as a child in my School House Rock days, introducing me to The “Bill of Rights” (I’m just a Bill”), I remained dumbfounded.  I then watched a documentary about the Crips and Bloods. That was enlightening.  As far as I am concerned, the extremists in the Middle East, or their corporate sponsors, are just a group of gangs pushing, shoving, stabbing or shooting those who don’t agree with their views.

While viewing the bloodbath in France on television, my wife and I spoke to one another as is if we were the most fortunate people on earth.  In essence, we are.  This is our great fortune.  In the morning, we open the refrigerator and wonder what’s in it.  Sometimes, when a fuse blows, we replace it.  If we think a twelve pound turkey isn’t enough for Thanskgiving hangover sandwiches, I order a fourteen pound organic one pleasing both the turkey and my wife. When I need a haircut, I stumble across some money and force myself to get one.  Unless I am at a wedding, I don’t dance.  I don’t sing unless I am drunk.  I don’t play scrabble unless it’s a rainy day, and it has to be with my wife or a great friend. Rarely, I wear pants.  I don’t own or carry a gun.  I hope and pray my neighbors leave me alone with my Louisville Slugger. It’s that easy. I enjoy, with my wife, and some dogs and cats, a good meal, followed by a repeat episode of Seinfeld before going to bed when baseball is out of season. Sometimes, those are the best of times.

Mcconaug (Hey)

That’s it. I’ve had it.  I can’t take it any longer.  Although I swore to ignore it, he has broken me.  Matthew Mcconaughey is the most embarrassing man on television.  Saturday Night Live has spoofed him.  I knew that was coming the first time we watched one of his Lincoln commercials.  After seeing one of his commercials for the first time, my wife looked at me and said, “You have to write about this.”  I told her it wasn’t worth it, and the Onion would be all over it before me.

The world has laughed at him, and he continues to get stoned all the way to the bank; that is if he can convince a steer in the middle of a dirt road to give him directions.  I no longer envy his sculpted body, because with beauty, must come the beast, which is his brain.  Admittedly, when his commercials air, my wife and I stop, as if in a trance, and wonder if one of his commercials can be worse, or more laughable than the one before.  He never disappoints.

If we ever have children, when they are old enough to watch and discern television, we will give them a test to decide whether they are worthy of us creating a fund for their college tuition.  We will show them several Matthew Mcchonaughey commercials and then show him or her a bowl of cereal.  We will then ask our child which one is more intriguing. If the child chooses the bowl of cereal, we know this child has a chance.  If the child chooses the Matthew Mcc….(I’m tired of trying to spell his last name)……commercials, he or she will be cut off from any college tuition whatsoever.

 

Gone Vishin?

My mother has always maintained solid vision.  While her hearing may be taking a stroll between Selective Street and Helen Keller Avenue, her vision remains keen.  When I visit her, and we watch her beloved Seattle Mariners, she always knows when her favorite baseball player, Franklin Gutierrez or “Cutierez” is at the plate.  It’s not when the announcers call his name, but rather, when she sees his striking good looks from her recliner, well over ten feet away from the television set. (She seems to be able to spot a good looking man from 6 blocks away.) So, when Gutierrez struts to home plate, she makes the announcement.  “Guty’s up!”

Recently, my mother had to watch the Mariners from a hospital bed because of a recent scare.   She was admitted for a couple of days, undergoing many uncomfortable tests but has since been discharged with an expensive bill of health.

Although hospitals are seldom a place where laughter is in abundance, our mother made us all laugh during her first day of being admitted.  A nurse began asking mother several questions or to perform certain tasks, mostly checking on her senses and level of consciensness.  What day is it?  What month, year, squeeze my hand, push on this, pull on that, toss that tissue in the nearest basket, who was the Heavyweight Champion of the World in 1973…..etc, etc, etc.  My sisters, Anne, Patricia, Maggie, as well as my wife and I watched with pain in our eyes because we knew how uncomfortable this beautiful, 87 year old mother of 13 was during the interrogation.   That’s when mom converted our eyes filled with uncertainty to ones filled with the laughter we inherited from her.  One of the last questions from the nurse was, “How is your vision?”  With an incredulous look on her face, mom gasped, “What!”.  “HOW IS YOUR VISION?”  Almost sounding agitated by the endless questioning, my mother answered, “Oh, I don’t care about fishin!”

We all busted up heartily, providing us a moment of relief, and when we told her why we were laughing, she busted up as well.  Sadly, the nurse didn’t think it was so funny, especially when I requested the next question for our mother should be about her hunting skills.

We knew she’d be home soon at Anne’s, comfortably watching “Guty” from her recliner with the sound turned up as loud as possible for no reason whatsoever.