Overrated

Without disclosing how I voted, I find certain observations by the person who will hold the highest position in the world relatively overrated.  That doesn’t mean I necessarily agree with some people, places and things he believes to be overrated or fake. I just think some of his true comments are funny.  So, let’s laugh for the next four years before I run for President…….of some undisclosed or, “fake” nation.

 

“Midwestern ice storms are overrated.”

“Christmas is way overrated.  Who is this Jesus guy?”

“Carrots are overrated.  They don’t improve your eyesight.  Just ask Bugs Bunny.”

“Chess is overrated.”

“Gandhi should have eaten more.”

“Cassius Clay was clearly overrated.”

“I’ve never heard of Babe Ruth, but I bet he was overrated.”

“Lou Gehrig was a phony. That disease is overrated.”

“Great White Sharks are overrated.  Jaws was fake. Just look at the footage.  It’s comical.”

“Rocky is real.”

“The Moon doesn’t exist ……respectfully, for those who thought they walked on it.”

“Hacking, unless properly utilized, is overrated.”

“Bigfoot does exist, just in case you were wondering.  I can’t prove it.  I can’t prove anything.”

” And lastly, and most critical, Cheetos are overrated.  The mascot is not Tony the Tiger.”

Only because he will destroy our country, or make it better, as an American voter, I will root for him, but I won’t kiss his lucky tower.

This puny world can exist without Barnum and Bailey’s elephants, but we can also exist without this clown.

 

 

 

The Revolution

Just to let everyone in cyberspace know, the New Year doesn’t officially begin until the college football National Champion is proved to be worth the wait.  Therefore, don’t worry about your phony resolutions until Tuesday, the ninth of January.  Wipe that sweat off your brow, and live it up for two more days.  I’m making stew.

Our Favorite Holiday (7) Moods

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Jewish rituals.  All respected and appreciated by my father, but no holiday compared to game seven of the World Series.  As a man of faith, he attended church more than regularly, but he appreciated both the love of baseball and the fact game seven of the World Series wasn’t deemed as a Holy Day.  Rather, he left us believe it would be a hope, or future treasure chest filled with nostalgia which we could open years later and say, “We watched that game with our dad.”   We didn’t have to go to church on these days.

Rather than inviting people over, he’d only allow pedestrians in if they were interested in the game.  Following the game, you must stay off the phone, because one of his great friends, annually, would call him after the final out.  If you stayed off the phone, and watched the game with popcorn wedged in your teeth, game seven was more than just a good mood.

No Debate

I can’t believe I’m watching the Presidential Debates tonight as opposed to watching the NLCS between the Cubs and the Dodgers.  Both candidates in baseball may be worthy of competing for the World Series.  Ooops!  I just changed the channel.

 

Paws

“The next time you place your tiny paws on my computer, it better result in a great (expletive) story!  Otherwise, get off my keyboard!  Evidently, delete and publish means nothing to you.  Got it??”

A conversation with our kitten.

 

Cramping

One of my sisters once said camping in a hotel was much better than camping outdoors. My friend, one of the toughest guys I’ve ever met, would agree with my sister.

A terrific comedian, Jim Gaffiigan, did a fabulous bit on the miseries of camping and the possibilities of being eaten by a wild animal.  I can’t steal his humorous thunder, but I can describe the reality, vicariously, through one of my friends.

What you are about to read is shocking. These are text excerpts from a friend currently camping with his wife, family, and some friends.

Day one: “Let the wife do all the shopping for me and packing.  She woke up bubbly this morning, and my goal is to knock the bubbly out of her being.”  (I requested confirmation.)  “I need her to stop being bubbly.  So, I’m going to antagonize her until she is no longer bubbly.  I want her to be as miserable as me.  So, I’m knocking the bubbly out of her being.”  (When not camping, this is a happily married couple of over fifteen years with three wonderful sons.)

Day Two: He just described his wife as a Roman Candle.  She didn’t respond very well after she did all the packing and retrieved all the food. Evidently, she didn’t pack his favorite foods.  He may be sleeping in the car, if there is one near by.

Update: “I was a dick head to my wife at a subconscious level.”

How lovely.  This poor man loves his wife, but hates his weekend life in the woods. I’m not buying that entirely.

Day Three:  “I’m going to cover myself with honey and this expensive huckleberry jam we purchased at the campsite’s convenient store in hopes a bear soon takes me out of my misery.”

I haven’t heard from him since.

 

 

The Truth

My wife recently referred to me as a non violent active volcano.  I took it as a compliment. Preferably, I would enjoy the the term “Passionate”.  It’s far more delicate and refined.   If I read into it any other way, I may erupt with silly anger only to embarrass myself, friends and my family, only too easy of a task.

The truth is….my wife is correct, and so am I.

Co-Laziness

“When I wrote this book…..”

Don’t give me that crap.  Usually trying to keep my writing positive, I am going to accentuate something negative, or shall I write, realistic, today.  There are many things on this earth which annoy me: terrorists, Trump, Hillary, The Family Circus, but nothing more than a celebrity or ex sports star claiming to have written a book about themselves, unless it is written by themselves.  “When I wrote this book”……wait a minute……….who wrote this book?  You may as well begin by stating the truth.  “When I was sitting on a bar stool telling stories, some man or woman jotted down notes, then converted these stories to well crafted sentences, paragraphs and chapters all ending with, ‘wait till you hear this next one’ so I could get most of the credit by paying him or her to do so.  Only in miniature font, shall I give the man or woman credit putting in the majority of the work into said book.”

I despise the term “Co-written” unless you have two people collectively sitting down with a pen, notebook, laptop, sticky notes, journaling over a cup of coffee or a can of beer and composing sentences together.  Screen writers do it all the time.  That, I respect.  What I don’t respect is the lack of integrity some possess by not properly acknowledging those actually writing the book, which is the most difficult part.

Sadly, my father convinced me at a young age to read the book “The Mick”.  It is an autobiography about the “Great” Mickey Mantle.  With “Great” bold letters, the book’s cover read, “The Mick” MICKEY MANTLE, H. Gluck.  Who’s this H.Gluck guy?   Who cares? Naively, I believed this was written by Mickey Mantle himself.  How does this freak of baseball talent with good looks, Centerfield speed and astonishing power find the time to write a book about hitting home runs while hung over on a daily basis in Yankee Stadium?  Of course, I want to be this guy!  Drinking and dining at the finest restaurants for free in New York, hitting bombs in Yankee Stadium, making loads of money while taking your pick of any girl you want, yet still being educated enough to write an autobiography?  Chicks love the long ball, but they also love the brains.  He had it all.  In the eighth grade, I thought, “oh, yeah, I want to be him.”  Mickey Mantle didn’t write one word in that book and probably forgot or regretted every word he uttered while giving the writer complete artistic liberty.

Heartwarming as the stories may be, whether it be blaming your failures on drug, alcohol, or mental issues, please give those who write these tender stories verbal credit or a crap load of money.

This morning, I was motivated to write this piece because of something I read on the front page of the sport’s section.  Since I am overseas, and you wouldn’t know which periodical I may be referring to, I still won’t disclose who inspired me this morning, but I will tell you, he made me question his complete lack of integrity, not just as a “writer”, but as a baseball player.

If I ever told someone my silly stories and wanted them to write them down while falling off a bar stool, thus completing a book, I would insist the title be, “Co-Laziness”.

I Want to Get Physical

At the end of my half ass working day of writing, while additionally feeding dogs, cats, squirrels, birds and other animals I don’t even recognize on our block, I need a break.

ONJ-Lets get physicalHaving a love affair with food, and cooking it when it’s fresh, walking through a grocery store is usually my place of solitude, unless some fool is playing, “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton John over the loud speaker.  It absolutely ruins the one hour break I have before my wife comes home, stinking of culvert maintenance.

Being one of this store’s best customers, who also suffered through Duran Duran’s “The Reflex” while purchasing “forty dollars a pound Copper River Salmon”, the freshness of the fish allowed me to give the store a pass. However, listening to “Let’s get physical” bursted the buttons on my newly dry cleaned blouse.  After sarcastically having a chat with the cashier regarding this critical dilemma, he applauded me by laughingly  pointing out the man who I should “get physical” with,  regarding this grocery store musical crime.

Assuming I’d be banned from this store, instead, I was given a badge of courage by the other hard working members of the store, all collectively agreeing with me.