L.O.T.S.

Just the other day, I was asked if today was the lack of talent show at the local middle school. I had to say, I’m a bit sad to miss both teaching and whatever that show was for… talent or embarrassment.  This person inquiring didn’t know I hadn’t been teaching for several hundred years…..or so it seems.

Let me digress.  I’ve been thrown out of bars, one of which my brother owned,  stadiums, restaurants, haunted houses, and even my own 20 year class reunion.  But, I’ve never been tossed out of a talent show.  Perhaps, that’s because I never entered one.  After watching the Gong Show, I just knew better.

Teaching English for roughly 15 years, I was forced to suffer through one hundred and eighty deplorable displays of children attempting to perform in front of their peers, parents, neighbors, and local enemies.  It always ended in a blood bath of boos, followed by the teachers waving goodbye, heading to the nearest bar which ultimately ended in a blood bath of booze.

Some of the teachers would remove themselves from the auditorium before the students were five seconds into their display. I found that somewhat rude.  Once, I tackled a fellow teacher, bound and gaged him, and forced him to watch a dance and song routine which would make a billy goat vomit.  It was basically a pole dance making everyone uncomfortable.  It was essentially similar to a car crash. You didn’t want to watch it, but you did have to gawk.

I hope those brave students received a degree in anything other than talent.  Otherwise, they are screwed.

On a positive note, I did enjoy the piano players actually playing the piano.  Following their performance, I would make it a point to provide appreciation to someone with talent.  Thank God was the only praise I’d deliver.

I would also clap for those brave souls without talent on stage.

 

Chicken Lenny and the Shadow

Chickens don’t run around because they are afraid.  They run to avoid conflict and danger, but when summoned to provide assistance, chickens will always be willing to provide a fist, or a beak.

My friend, and my brother’s best friend, Michael Linerud aka, Chicken Lenny, was no chicken even in the Spring.  In our neighborhood, where we played baseball, tackle football, sans the pads, and even boxed in a basement full of harmless blood, Chicken Lenny ran like a chicken, but could cluck like a truck.  I never saw fear in his eyes, but, rather a gleaming spectrum of recognition and intelligence regarding his surroundings.  It was nice knowing he was on our side.

Growing up as the shadow amongst six older brothers, I would often look to Chicken Lenny for that soft, yet tough touch.  Many of my older brothers’ friends would pick on me.  They’d call me names such as tow head, reject, gimpy, lumpy, little bastard, and even muffin top.  While my brothers would laugh, knowing I could handle it, Mike, sometimes, would step in front of those wisecrackers, and say, “Hey, we are four years older than him.”  He would then provide the age old wonderful statement any hero would add at the age of 12, “Pick on someone you own size, namely me.”  My brothers would always have my back, but Chicken Lenny was the guy they could defer to if they had others to deal with when bartering candy on Halloween.  Never a fist was thrown, and I was safe.

Years later, when the others were entering high school, some of us were left behind in the neighborhood mob.  After elementary school would dismiss us, many of my older friends were attending high school and preoccupied with athletics or detention.  Therefore, I would decide to roam the neighborhood on my bicycle.  It was like tossing corn to some of the chickens in our valley.  I was fair game.

Never being a participant of idolatry, I did ,however, have heroes.  One of my heroes showed up one day to provide assistance when I was in trouble.  Chicken Lenny had broken his hand, and fortunately for me, he had taken the day off of school for a doctor’s appointment.  He lived close by, and was taking a walk in the street when he found me being picked on by someone twice my size and twice my age.  I was willing to fight, but my chances in Vegas ruled me a billion to one underdog.  Just like heaven sends us Angels, Chicken Lenny was mine that day.  He diffused the situation immediately with his clear sense of anger witnessing a young friend being picked upon.   The fear in the bully was obvious,  and not a person was harmed.  Chicken Lenny even walked me home that day.  No one followed.  Chicken Lenny and his Shadow were both safe.  I’ll never forget it.

I wish I’d have written this before his demise.  That’s the damnedest of it all.

 

Juice Bags

A friend of mine, whose name, Jeremy, will remain nameless was recently cut off by a driver he referred to, out loud, as a “Douche Bag”.  With a momentary lapse of verbal judgement, he forgot his three elementary children were in the back seat.  One of them asked, “Dad, what’s a “Juice Bag?”  I think he got off easy on that one.

As a loyal friend, I’m going to reveal the true story to his wife when his and her boys start calling people Juice Bags.

There are just too many juice bags in this world.  One of them is currently trying to run our country.

Two Stooges

Before heading to the Confetti Plant, my wife always loves me reading the Super Quiz in the Seattle Times while she’s dolling herself up for a hard day of ripping paper. There is a different subject each day. Usually, it’s Science, Geography, food or Ice Dancing. Today’s subject was, “The Bible”.  That’s a tough one, since we’ve not been to church since the Bible was written.

The first question was, “What were the actual names of the three wise men?”  Without hesitation, she answered, “Larry Moe, and Curly.”  It was brilliant.  I fell down on our bathroom floor with amusement.

Me, being a simpleton, would have answered, “Gold, Frankenstein, and Murry.”

One out of three ain’t bad.

 

 

 

Intros and Concussions

Sometimes, the best introduction ends with a  great concussion.

Some of my brothers picked on me.  Since I was the youngest, it was pretty fun for them to  perform acts of unkindness.  Hanging me up from a tree while serving a two year sentence in leg braces was only one form.  Personally, I preferred tamed fighting as opposed to emotional abuse.  Far to0 young to match their wits or humiliation approaches, I chose the barbarian approach…  Fighting.  As one of  my brothers  once said, no one wins in a fight.  So true.  It’s senseless, mindless, and you wind up with a broken nose, concussion, or blood from your opponent causing your mother to do an extra load of laundry.

Not sustaining a broken nose, as I am aware of, the concussions and blood were true, and I deserved some of them.

I love my brothers and am glad I didn’t mess with my six older sisters.  That would have been concussion central.  I love them as well.  They all taught me how to be strong, compassionate, and how to gamble.

We were and are a family, and I wouldn’t choose anyone else to help me along in that pasture of ultimate kindness.  There really was no bullying, just blood and love, and a few concussions.

Do you Believe in Basements?….Yes!

No skates.  No Ice.  Just tennis shoes and clubs.

The Winter Olympics isn’t just about figure skating around a rink.  With remorse, I was forced by my sisters to watch ice skating.  Although knowing zero about figure skating or hockey, I preferred ice cream and ice hockey.

After witnessing the “Miracle on Ice”, in 1980, my brothers and friends became interested in the sport.  None of us had skates, but my father accumulated a load of golf clubs from many of the doctors working with him.  They provided the clubs as a form of tithing or charity.  After the 1980 Winter Olympics, we used the clubs as hockey sticks and the used golf balls as pucks.

While still wearing a leg brace at the time, I was forced to be the goalie.  Coincidentally, Jim Craig, the USA goalie, was my favorite player on the USA team.  I used a worn downed catcher’s mitt to defend our goal.  The mitt should have surrounded my face.  I took more golf balls off me from the basement floor than Frazier took hits from Ali.  Someone taking a putter and hitting a golfball into your forehead is just flat out embarrassing.  Can you at least pull out a three wood or even an eight iron.

Staggering back, it was glorious.  It may have been dangerous, but it sure was fun.

No brain, no pain. No goals.  Just use your head.

Perhaps, we’ll see another miracle this year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Buffett

Cheeseburgers can become paradise.

Although I didn’t love the song by Jimmy Buffett, “Cheese Burger in Paradise”, I learned to love his music and free beer.  So did my wife.

People believe Disney Land is the happiest place on earth.  I beg to differ.  For one night, a Jimmy Buffett concert in the glorious sun tanned coconut city of Seattle, he made it the happiest place on earth.

My wife had no interest in attending this concert.  She only knew two of his songs.  I told her to trust me.  She did and didn’t regret it.  It wasn’t just the music which was terrific, and additionally not the entertainment, equally as terrific…. It was the atmosphere.  People were happy.  Every paying guest was relishing in what can be good and peaceful in this world.  There were no tears…only smiles and people handing you beers. Jimmy and his band made us, for two hours, forget how ugly things can be.

Facing difficult times, sometimes we forget about the paradise too often hidden around us. I hope and pray this current cheeseburger can once again become a paradise.

RIP to my favorite pirate.

Child Two

Johnny Appleseed was one tough cuss.  My good friend worked on a stage with my future wife in an elementary school performing in front of an angry mob infested with parents crying about their son not receiving the lead role.  The parents were only verbally abusive.  I didn’t know him at the time, but my current friend’s fellow students took it a bit further.

The posse, or “stage toughs” attempting to wrangle him back to his bleachers in the fourth grade didn’t know who they were gambling with.  He was Johnny Appleseed.  I guess you could call it method acting, now referred to in Spokane as Meth acting.

One of his stage competitors, his understudy, was wildly sore when he didn’t land the part, and Nathan did.  When losing the part, the second Johnny Appleseed hired a local bully to hold Nathan’s arms behind his back so the understudy could beat the crap out of him, hoping Nathan would concede.  Well, Nathan was tougher than they thought.  He delivered an award winning performance and even mentioned Child One, my future wife, in his acceptance speech.  Nathan still hasn’t forgiven the boy who beat him up.

Those child elementary actors are none to be trifled with.

Don’t mess with Johnny.

 

Child One

At the age of ten, a girl, who would later become my wife, was an aspiring actress.  After one performance, she then became an expiring actress.  In the off broadway elementary play, “Johnny Appleseed”, she played the part of “child one”.  I always found it funny or interesting when directors or even writers don’t provide names for some of the characters.  Not only do you not have any right to be in the elementary show business, we won’t even give you a proper name.

Britt, embarrassed, disclosed this information to me when we met at the age of thirteen.      I take this stuff seriously.  She was a terrific friend and would do anything for me. Likewise, I’d do anything for her.  That director is currently buried somewhere in Las Vegas, and she never made it to Broadway.

Her only line was, “Pa, Pa! Johnny Appleseed is coming.”

When she exited the stage, Britt was greeted by her parents.  They didn’t mention one thing about her performance which wasn’t award winning.  They did talk about their day at work.  As tough as she was and is, she wasn’t crushed by her critics, or lack there of.  She chose to move on to other ventures.

Currently working at a potato farm in Idaho, Britt is satisfied, and we are never hungry.  So, I guess you could say she did make it off Broadway.

 

Turn on the Lights

Light poles weren’t easy to come around in Spokane, Washington in the ninety seventies.  They weren’t even easy to hide behind on a night when lights were required.

My late brother, Steve, although mostly revered for his wrestling talents, was also just as talented on the baseball diamond.  Too young to witness him playing, I can only recount some of his past through friends’ voices and my siblings’ memories.

While being recruited by college baseball coaches, Steve forbid our father from coming to any of his games.  Our father was not one who said anything during the game.  He would, however, discuss your batting average after the game.

Steve believed if our father was at the game, his batting average would drop dramatically.  Since he believed it, Steve was correct. He didn’t perform well when our father was watching.  Therefore, Steve asked dad to stop coming to all of his games.  Dad loved baseball and didn’t respect his son’s wishes.

One evening, after going to confession, my father thought it would’t be a terrible sin to show up to his games if he used camouflage.  It was the light pole which almost provided it.

Steve was playing centerfield, and our father was hiding behind the light pole directly behind him.  Steve sniffed him out and called him out.  “Dad! I know you’re hiding behind the pole!”

Dad found somewhere else to hide, Steve quit playing baseball after high school, and went on to win a National Collegiate Wrestling Championship .

Dad knew nothing about wrestling, but I know he was proud.