Mi Espeedo (My Speedo)

My wife and I are in Italy.  Other than sitting down to dine, or walking hand in hand for miles absorbing the cuisine and menu sightseeing, we really haven’t acknowledged one another.

Originally planning to update my daily Italian food blog, I have bumped into a few obstacles on this trip to Rome and other neighboring cities.  Gluttony, Sloth, Extreme Gluttony, Sloth, Premier Gluttony, Sloth and Epic Gluttony.  Behold, my seven Italian traveling sins.

After squeezing in a few extra morsels of anything that ends with a vowel movement, we additionally manage to crawl to the local Roman Colosseum, and Pantheon for some historical sightseeing.  They all make you think of your next meal, for it could be your last.  (Even though my wife is tagging along, since we are too busy to talk while eating and sleeping, she is merely a white Alfredo shadow sauce of myself.)

At this point of our journey, I can only explain my culinary exploits by means of a Speedo.  The Speedo salesmen around these parts are not profiting from the likes of me.  Shares in the Speedo market have plummeted twenty percent since my arrival.  Each time my wife asks me to finish her meal, that’s one more Speedo I won’t purchase simply since they don’t carry a “control top” variety.

Chow

 

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The Trouble with Tweeters

Today, I am a broken man.  Years ago, and out of abject fear, I made a phony promise to myself not to join the evil empire of Team Twitter.  Rather, I wished to faithfully remain with The Basic Bloggers for the entirety of my on-line writing career.  The Tweeters seemed to be the bad boys of social media.  With a mere one hundred and forty characters, one could make themselves despised or respected, yet heard within seconds.  From a business perspective, it seemed logical. Being of sound cyberspace mind and bloated blogger fatigue, I believed Team Twitter was the right capitalistic move for me and my family.

The Fear of Twitter:  One hundred forty characters and clicking the sinister button known as “Tweet”.  This scares me about half to death.  The other half that scares me is the “Publish” button found on my blog.  They are the black holes of clicking.  Once pressed, you may never return.  Wrongfully clicking may result in the loss of friends, loved ones and colleagues.  However, being a part of of Twittersphere, risk can also come with rewards.

Still allowed to remain part time with the Bloggers, I feel as though I’m two timing the industry.  Much like a two sport athlete, can one be equally as successful at both, as well as stay out of trouble doing so?  Only time and one hundred and forty characters will tell.

 

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The Sacrificial Pew

Church pews are always hard to come by during the holidays.  I hadn’t heard the term C and E’s until I was in my late teens.  These are individuals choosing to attend a Holy Ceremony only on Christmas and Easter.  Pews are reserved for C and E’s two days out of the year.   I have no problem with this.  Maybe that’s because I don’t go to church  anymore.  Perfectly understanding and supporting our 1st amendment, exercising Freedom of Religion, I believe some Christians took liberties with that constitutional right.  Christians attending mass only on Christmas and Easter conveniently interpreted  it by thinking it stated “Freedom of Timely Religion”, or perhaps, “Freedom of Intermittent Religion”.

Around the age of six or seven, I began noticing this sacrificial pew phenomenon, also known in the liturgical profession as SPP.  Personally, I didn’t really mind getting to church early.  I’d sit in a pew in the back row with Dad, Mom, and several brothers and sisters until being kindly forced minutes later by Dad to sacrifice our pew to some poor old bag who showed up late with her deadbeat nephew.  Looking at the bright side, I thought standing up was actually better than sitting, then standing, sitting then standing, and well, you know the Catholic drill.  Standing during the entire ceremony seemed to simplify mass.

Usually, during the non holiday season, I’d tend to drift off in the pew only to be gracefully awakened by brothers who understood when to stand and when to sleep.  Avoiding sitting next to my father, the bruises my brothers provided were well worth it.  If Dad caught you snoozing, it was Liturgy Lecture time after church, extending the mass an extra 15 minutes in the parking lot, thus cutting into my Sunday football.

By age eight or nine, I begin questioning the sacrificial pew, but I’d bite my tongue because I was not quite religiously educated enough to make a proper argument with my father.  Even if I had been, Dad’s glare was the only argument required for him to succeed.  To his benefit, after church, he would make his best attempt to explain why this is the right thing to do for these poor elderly C and E’s who needed the pew more than I did.  I thought, and again, only thought, these Q-Tips who needed this pew should learn the virtues of “punctuality.”

ElderlyPew

There were those random years when I’d be teased by the pews when the last two rows were empty.  We’d sit down blissfully, only to have our hopes crushed fifteen minutes into the church service when a bus full of cotton tops would bust open the doors, bingo blotters in tow, demanding to be seated.  The ushers would do their best, but we knew our row would be the first to go. (Our family did, on occasion, take up an entire row.)  It was like a hockey game when the players, right in the middle of action, are allowed to make substitutions by leaping over their bench railing.  Similarly, we’d have to jump over the back of the pews to avoid a walker cracking one of us in the shin.  Dad acted as our hockey coach.  “Greg, you and Tom are the first to go.  Ben, you’re next.”  Fruitlessly, Greg would argue.  “We’re not even the oldest!”  What about Patricia, Dorothy and Maggie?  They’re all older than us!”  Dad craftily explained to Greg why the AARP members, and other females, always come first, even if they show up last.

Attending Catholic classes at the age of ten and eleven, I began to learn about items such as The Ten Commandments.  One of the Commandments shouted, “Thou Shalt Not Steal.”  Aha!  Now I have a piously educated argument with my father.  I tried to convince him that sacrificing pews was just allowing the untimely and unjust to steal from us.  Instead of kindly reinforcing the differences between right and wrong, or sacrificing and stealing, he told me to get in the car and stop questioning His Commandments or he would be forced to kick my ass up between my shoulder blades.

Between the ages of twelve and thirteen, I had matured and finally understood why we all have to make sacrifices.  No, it’s not just to avoid getting your ass kicked up between your shoulder blades, but rather, it can merely mean saving a dying art which was once called chivalry:  courtesy, generosity, and valor.  My father had his own misgivings, but he always reinforced, by example, the importance of courteousness, generosity and valor.  So easily these can be displayed by simply sacrificing a pew.

 

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Formula 409 and the Bi*ch who Stole Christmas (a bedtime story)

As most folks do, my late father used to tell me bedtime stories.  They were commonly dreadful.  Prince Gingersnap and the Three Rubber Bands was always his favorite. It wasn’t mine.  There were tactical problems: boring, weird and no conclusion.  It did put me to sleep, but I was always looking forward to a story having a proper conclusion.    That’s when he told me the story which he titled, “Formula 409 and the Bi*ch Who Stole Christmas”.

It was a story about a wife who wished to poison her husband on Christmas Eve.  This had me intrigued, and little did I know at the time, it was a prophetic story about my own life.  Here is the bedtime story.

Me: Tell me a different bedtime story!

Dad: Ok.

Dad:  Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches were sacred in this family.  If they took the time to grow a tomato, and then proceed to use those tomatoes on white bread, the tomatoes should not be honored as jesters, but Kings.  (At a young age, my father taught me of the importance of a good BLT, especially a ripe tomato.)

Me: Proceed.

Dad: Well, one Christmas Evening, the husband took the time to provide a wonderful dinner of bacon lettuce and tomato sandwiches for he and his wife.

Me: Sounds great!

Dad:  Not so fast.  His wife tried to poison him.

Me: With what?

Dad: Formula 409.  She sprayed it on his bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Me: So far, this is a terrible story.  Why would she do that?

Dad: She had a bit of an evil streak in her.  He deserved some of it, but he didn’t deserved to be poisoned.

Me:  So far, unlike the bible, this is the worst story ever told.

Dad:  No, it gets better.

Me: You mean worse.

Dad:  No, they got a divorce.

Me: That’s the ending?!!  I will never get married, nor will I eat another bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich for fear of getting poisoned.  Thanks a lot.

Dad: Wait a minute.  It has a happy ending.

Me: You’re full of it, Dad.

Dad: He remarried.

Me: Why?  So, he could get poisoned  again and suffer an additional divorce?  I am going to have nightmares tonight.  I may as well become a rabbi.  (Since we were Catholic, I thought I could give him a taste of his own nightmare.)

Dad:  Benjamin, there is a happy ending.

Me: Do tell.  I think you are messing with me again.

Dad: He married the BLT Fairy.

Me: I’ve never heard of the BLT Fairy.

Dad:  With his new wife, she promised to never poison his BLT’s.  Additionally, she promised to block out, much like rebounding in basketball, anyone who could poison him … or ruin a precious tomato.  She gave him the safe gift of protection for Christmas.  It’s fun not to get poisoned…especially on Christmas.  Good night, my son.

Me: Now I want to eat BLT’s and get married.  Thanks, Dad.

Dad: You’re welcome.  Now get the hell out of here so I can go to sleep.  God Bless.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a very interesting night!

 

 

Would You Like Fries With That? (Teaching the next generation of astronauts and fast food workers)

“Sorry we were late guys, Jimmy had a case of the trotts!”

I didn’t know trotts was a proper word until I looked it up on the Urban Dictionary.  However, it was probably the best opening line in a parent/teacher conference in the history of the uncivilized teaching world.

Tomorrow at the Thanksgiving dinner table, I will be asked, “What are you thankful for”?  My response?  “Never holding another teacher conference!”

In my previous life, I was a middle school teacher.  I taught drama, English (so to speak), geography, physical education, reading and ran our school’s daily news program. I wasn’t really good at any of them. With a great deal of help from other teachers, I managed to stay motivated right up until that last conference before our Thanksgiving Break.  In addition to teaching, we were forced to hold several long days of “student-led” parent/teacher conferences.  That’s where the future careers for our students were often revealed.  Would it be working for NASA?  The White House?!

Here are my top five parent teacher conference memories. (Note, these are all real events and quotes, though the names have been changed to protect the now 20-something students):

Memory #5

Teacher:  “Your son has seventeen missing assignments which is why he is failing this class.”

Parent:  “It’s ok.  He is going to make it in the NBA, so this school stuff doesn’t really matter.”

Where is the student now?   This 5’9” student was last seen working as a Walmart Greeter.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Memory #4

Teacher:  “Your son is struggling in my science class.”

Parent:  “That’s crazy!  He is going to be an astronaut.  I don’t understand.”

Where is the student now? Last seen working at Wendy’s.

Memory #3

(I must clarify this teacher wasn’t me, and I shutter to think that any adult would put a child in the position to have to answer this ridiculous question.)

Teacher:  “Who’s the Man? … Who’s the Man?” The student looked away in embarrassment as the teachers and his parents were witness to this socially awkward moment.  However, the teacher didn’t relent.

Teacher:  “Thomas, look at me.  Who IS the man?”

Shy Student:  (In a quiet voice and agonizing embarrassment) “ . . . . I’m the man?”

Give me a stinking break!  When I heard news of this, I wanted to show this teacher, after embarrassing his student, who the man was.  His Birkenstocks would have been floating in the Spokane River that day.

Memory #2

Teacher: “Your child struggles with grammar and punctuation.”

Parent: (chuckling) “That’s not really a big deal.  He will be on the cover of a Wheaties Box one day.”  (Eluding that the child will be a future Olympian.)

Where is the student now?  Whereabouts unknown.  Keep your eyes on Sochi, Russia in 2014.   (I heard he’s working a concession stand at the next winter Olympics.)

Memory #1

Marine parent: “Honor and Code.  That’s what I teach my son.”

Teacher:  “I understand, but can’t reading and writing fit in between those lessons?”

I’ll spare you the parent’s response, but I’ll summarize by saying, “He couldn’t handle the truth.”1

Happy Thanksgiving to all you teachers!  You’ve earned it.

It’s NOT about the Dodgers!

My father began this story, a couple of my brothers interrupted, and, beautifully, my father finished it.

“There’s no crying in baseball.” Sadly, for me, there was crying in baseball; I just had to do it in my bedroom.   Additionally embarrassing, as a youngster, I wore a plastic blue helmet to bed representing my favorite team, the Los Angeles Dodgers, a team currently facing extinction in the 2013 playoffs.

1970 Spokane Indians (Triple A team for the Dodgers)

Growing up in my hometown far far away from the city of Los Angeles, California, I lived and cried for the Los Angeles Dodgers.  My father simply described Dodger history; The Brooklyn Dodgers packed their bags one day and flew to L.A….by way of Spokane, Washington.  Dad spoke of the ball players gracing our city in the minors, for only a moment, and he told me I should pay attention to when they made it to the Major Leagues, because it would be something special.  It was. Baseball was and still remains my favorite sport.

My brothers liked baseball, but they didn’t love it like me.  That presented a problem when the Dodgers were in town on our television set, minus a remote control.  I was always hoping the bottom of the ninth inning would arrive before they did.  Sometimes, that didn’t always happen.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, with the Dodgers winning a meaningless game (to some) by three runs, the Braves had the bases loaded with two outs.  As usual, clutching a bat during a ballgame, I thought the Dodgers had it won.  That’s exactly the moment my brothers entered the game.  Just like extraordinary relief pitchers, they ruined my day.  Sweaty from football practice, they walked into the living room wanting to change the channel while I was squeezing my bat and wearing my plastic helmet.  Manually, they turned the channel to some popular cinema classic such as “Creature Feature”.     Enraged, that’s when I turned Dodger Blue and was fortunate enough to be carrying a Louisville Slugger.  Using my bat, I changed the channel back.  The channel by channel slugfest began.  Almost precisely at that moment, I watched a man playing for the Atlanta Braves hit a Grand Slam against my Dodgers to win the game.  My brothers couldn’t have been more pleased, and I couldn’t have been more pissed.  Turning the channel to anything, such as the news, my two brothers, laughing, turned the channel back to the ballgame.  Even with a bat, I was overmatched.  They were excited about the grand slam, and I didn’t wish to see all the replays.  Retreating to my bedroom, I remember wailing about this silly game which seemingly meant nothing to anyone but me.

Soon, my father would be arriving…….just on time.  He entered the house after working for many hours and could smell mom’s cooking, hear me crying, and sense my brothers and baseball had something to do with this mess.  With a discerning look on my father’s face, he simply asked, “What’s going on?”

Snickering, my brothers responded with a less than convincing response, “Nothing.”

Dad, not convinced by their response, asked, “Nothing, huh?  Then, why is Ben crying?”

My brothers, Tom and Greg, could not mask their grins.

Knowing me well, my dad inquired, hoping to avoid further controversy, “Did the Dodgers lose today”?

I could hear their response, even from my bedroom with tears streaming from my face, “Yes.”

That’s the point where your dad eases your suffering.  Walking into my room, I didn’t allow him to ask any questions.  I formidably screamed, “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE DODGERS!”  He responded with such compassion and convincing fashion to an eight or maybe nine year old child.  “I know it’s not about the Dodgers…..are you ok?”  Wiping away tears, I could only respond with a simple, “Yeah.”

Looking back, I was expecting my father to give me a lecture about it just being a game.  He didn’t.  He knew it was more than a game to me.  For some reason, the way he put out the fire made me feel safe from the embarrassment I was anticipating at the dinner table that evening.

I still like the Dodgers, but I don’t cry about games anymore.  I just throw remote controls and listen to my wife’s profanity.  And, now I can admit, it was about the Dodgers.

 

 

 

 

Forty Forty, Look who’s Bowling!

Ben Bowling 2Sunday, October the 13th, will mark the fortieth anniversary of my wife’s birth.  Guess who cares?  She doesn’t.  That’s why I planned a surprise birthday gift, providing her first class escort service to the University of Washington Medical Center where she could receive her monthly medical treatment.  “Go Dawgs!”  Isn’t that terrific?

I guess that wasn’t enough.  Exhausted and hungry, my wife only wished to go home after receiving medical care.  When someone mentions those two words, “exhausted and hungry”, the first thing I do is take them to a bowling alley.  I had such a wonderful time picking out a 13 pound ball for her while she tried to hold back the food.  It was the best and last frozen pizza we ever had.

BrittBowling2My wife’s mother sent her flowers and a balloon.  That was sweet.  However, it doesn’t compete with a son-in -law taking her daughter to the hospital, followed by a therapeutic session of bowling.  As a gentleman, I even found her a pair of fungus-free bowling shoes.   Bowlers.   We are so snobby.

 

 

Deductibles (Trees and Dough)

This is the top of the tree, sitting on our deck.

This is the top of the tree, sitting on our deck.

So, during a West Seattle storm, a couple of trees visited the side of our house the other night…..no big deal.  We are safe.  Thanks for asking.  We also had  some other visitors the next day…….big deal.  Our neighbor, all of six years of age, along with her mother, all of an age she won’t disclose, rang our doorbell the day after the storm. They were attempting to sell us cookies.  That is the perfect storm:  Trees colliding into our house followed by ladies peddling cookies.  Thank God they didn’t show up with a Bible.  Noah may dispute this, but that would have become the perfect Biblical Storm.

While negotiating our deductible with our insurance agency, I was also knee deep with cookie negotiations with our six year old neighbor, Peanut.  She wasn’t concerned with our house dangerously close to being crushed by large trees.  She wanted to make a sale.  Upon opening her catalog of pastries, impatient man that I am, I yanked out a twenty dollar bill hidden in my wallet and said, “Take this, and get the hell out of here.”  That’s not quite the way I said it.  I thought twenty dollars would suffice when buying cookies from a six year old.  Not so fast.  Peanut had to read cookiedoughmy wife the cookie guide provided by her school, evidently guiding her to not settle for twenty dollars when dealing with a man and a one thousand dollar deductible on a house.  Peanut had a thirty two dollar deductible on her cookies.  My wife pulled out the check book and we quickly settled.  In the process, since we were more concerned with the worthy cause of making her school a better place to ignore teachers, we really weren’t too concerned with the type of cookies, or in this case, “Dough” we were purchasing.  Shrewd business girl as she is, after Peanut turned down my twenty dollar bill, I decided to find the proper thirty two dollars worth of cookies she was selling.  Quickly, she pointed at the cookies she wanted.  Bright and impatient man that I am, I asked her, “Who are we buying these for, you or us?”  Her smile only made us smile.  However, after inquiring and reading further pages, we weren’t purchasing cookies, only cookie dough.  I was pleased to sign the check for thirty two bucks.  Asking who to write the check out to, Peanut’s mother replied, “Oh, just sign it out to me”.  My wife and I thought that was sarcastically funny. However, that dough is going directly into Peanut and her mother’s oven.  If we’re paying for this, someone else is going to bake it.

When leaving our house, and darkness was securing our neighborhood, Peanut’s mother asked us a very important question:  “How late is it too late to sell cookie dough to the rest of our neighbors?”  Our response:  “Now…..Now is too late.”

We can’t wait for Peanut and her mother to return with freshly baked goods.

 

 

S.I. (It’s the Gift that Just Keeps on Offending)

JamesBag

(written and spoken with a Clint Eastwood tone) Don’t call me James. My name is Brittney. Don’t forget that.

Luckily, my wife doesn’t read my blog.  Therefore, I know she’ll be surprised by the gift I shall deliver on her birthday, which is about to round third base and head home, thanks to the Fed Ex driver.   She will receive a year’s subscription to Sports Illustrated, including a free tote bag and the annual swimsuit edition.  (Sadly I won’t be gracing the swimsuit edition cover this year.)  Hopefully, this will make up for the four dollars and ninety nine cents I spent on her three year anniversary gift. (She didn’t know that a coffee mug traditionally represents three years of semi bliss.)  I will knock her out with this tote bag, representing twenty seven years of periodically forgetting how to spell her name.  Or, perhaps, she will knock me out of the parking lot.

Kindergartners Rule (Peanut and Mr. Scuffington)

Post-Katrina-school-busWe all remember something about our first day of school.  Anxiety, friends, homework, rulers, (whether it’s the teacher or the measuring device) throwing up during the bus crash, and maybe even your teacher’s name.  A few days ago, it took a little toe headed neighbor we will refer to as “Peanut” to conjure memories of my first day of kindergarten.

Driving down the street, I ran into our elementary aged neighbor and her father.  They are both dead.  (Ok, that’s a bad joke.)  Actually, our neighbor, six years of age, was celebrating her first day of kindergarten.  How could I not stop? (Her father, John, waved me down reminding me of Peanut’s first day, a day she will remember as the first day of an educational journey sometimes feeling as though it will never end.)

Quickly, I gathered my thoughts and came up with some rather common questions to ask and comments to add about anyones’ first day of anything.

Me: Hey, neighbor, how was your first day of school!?

Peanut: Good. (Classic one word child response.)

Me: Were you nervous?

Peanut: No. (Strike two)

(At that point, I thought I was out of questioning ammunition, but I remembered one more hard hitting inquiry before I could finish my interrogation.)

Me:  What is your teacher’s name?

Peanut:  (Spoken with a delightful smile.) Mr. Scuffington.

Me:  Really?  That’s a terrific name!

Peanut: (Laughing and breaking out in a grin reaching from east temple to west temple)  Yeah!

Looking at her father, he and I shared a subtle laugh, and he only said, out of respect for Mr. Scuffington and his daughter, “I know, isn’t that great”?

Indeed.

Shouldn’t that name belong in a children’s book or on Sesame Street?  The name made me swerve out of my conversation tactics, so, shrewd as she is, Peanut took hold of the reigns.

Peanut:  Where were you going earlier when you blew right through the neighborhood?

Me:  (Respecting her honesty regarding her first day of school, I could only be equally honest, thus making sure lying was not a common rule preached on this extremely important day of one’s life) I was just picking up birth control pills, and beer.

Peanut:  What?

Me:  (My ignorant thoughts became actual words) I was just heading to the drug store and grocery store.  (Quickly trying to switch the subject back to her interest, I recalled some tidbits about my first day of school….quid pro quo.)  Hey, I remember my first day of kindergarten.

Peanut:  What happened?

Me:  I threw up.

Peanut:  For real?

Me: (This distraction was far more relevant than the former)  Yes, for real.

Peanut:  Did you go back home?

Me:  No.  My mom had made me a terrific lunch to fill my belly back up.  But, it was the first and last time I’d throw up on the way to school.  I was seventeen before that happened again.

Peanut:  Do you remember your teacher’s name?

Me: No, I don’t, but I wish I did.

Our conversation, although brief, made me think of teachers’ names I might remember and the impact they had on my life.  I couldn’t think of one name.   There was, however, a slew of teachers I remember fondly, but it was the name, “Scuffington” which created the urge to ask others if they remembered any of their elementary teachers’ names.

The next morning, I called a friend of mine, who happens to be a teacher, asking him the same question.  He whipped out four names with such rapid fire, there was no way I could think he was just making them up to entertain me.

Kindergarten:  Ms. Hellbock (I wonder if she was a “Ms.”  for a reason.)

First Grade: Mrs. Swank (I guess she drove a Corvette)

Second Grade:  Ms. Noggle (maybe perfect for a Roald Dahl book)

Third Grade: Mr. Van Dong (I guess it took a male teacher to hit the grand slam of great names)  I wonder if on the first day of school, Mr. Van Dong wrote his name on the board,   quickly stating the correct pronunciation, which seems quite simple.  “Good morning, Earthlings, my name is Mr. Van Dong.  If you are uncomfortable with my name, as past students have been, you may refer to me as Mr. VD.  Sometimes that’s easier to catch, I mean, remember.

Other than their names, my friend didn’t have much to say about the impact they may or may not have had on his life.  I hope Mr. Scuffington plays a very positive role in Peanut’s life, and she remembers him for more than just his name, hopefully mirroring the positive role Peanut has played in this neighborhood, keeping smiles on all our faces.  Additionally, I hope he drives his class more successfully than my bus driver could navigate a ditch.

school-bus