Category Archives: Holidays

Fear and Stealing in Seattle

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I am guilty of many crimes.  They are all just mildly and wildly stupid.  Today, I committed a crime.  I stole a dog and a ladder.  Stealing is really something I don’t do well.  In fact, I’m completely against it, but when our two dogs are wagging and begging to see a friendly neighborhood dog, I just can’t help myself from opening and entering through the neighbor’s back gate.  Opening and entering sounds far more decent than breaking and entering.  I didn’t break anything….other than the law.

Bo,  our neighborhood friendly dog, also affectionately known as Bobafet, Bobafettish, Bobo Brayton, or Botox  was allowed, by me, to exit his backyard.  He is safely hidden in our basement.  Actually, he is currently playing in our backyard with our friendly dogs.  Bo is a wonderful guy.  Our dogs express that fact to me daily.

Crime number two:  “Stealing a Ladder”. The owners of Bo, the dog, received a gift from me earlier this summer.  It is an extremely tall ladder.  I provided that gift because, being ridiculously afraid of heights and gutters, getting rid of that ladder and hiring someone to clean gutters seemed like the right thing to do.  My wife wasn’t necessarily pleased with my decision.  Before our wedded bliss, she purchased this firefighter like ladder for a mere sum of money I don’t wish to disclose.  It’s huge.  I don’t mind throwing or giving away crap that’s mine, but I probably shouldn’t give things to people which I didn’t purchase.  So, the right thing to do is steal it from the person you provided it to, right??  Reluctant to steal anything, I was forced purchase a 13 foot tree to commit the crime.  Unless I became “Spiderman”, there was no way to place the star on our Christmas Tree. Stealing that ladder was the only option.

If my children, friends, neighbors, dogs, cats or wife are starving, I will steal a loaf of bread.  That’s just the way I roll.

Sorry, John.  Bo is heading back home, but will you PLEASE steal our ladder back.

Christmas Trees and Women

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Christmas trees are much like women.  They require tenderness, love, and nurturing, but when drinking too much, they tend to fall down.  Much like women, trees need to drink.  Fortunately for trees, they only need water.  Merely providing 8 ounces of water for our 767 foot parched evergreen, it dropped on the floor like a sorority girl taking two shots of whatever.  We recovered some ornaments, but spent several minutes wondering why we purchased this large bit of lumber.  We spent several other minutes discussing our marital status.  Divorce is a tricky theme during the Holiday Season.  In fact, it’s a bit tricky during any season……even if it’s baseball season.

We managed to laugh our way through it, kissed and made up, just before the tree fell once again.  I am not kidding.  Economically, we are screwed.  If we purchase one more ornament, lawyers will be pounding on our door.  Anyone showing up for the Christmas dinner better not expect any gifts.  They should expect a disgruntled family of dogs and cats living happily ever after.  I hope.

Ben

Victim of a Crime (excuses)

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It’s 5:49 a.m. Pacific Standard time.  My good friend, Vic, commented on my post regarding the Punctuality theme.  He was a bit disgruntled because I haven’t posted for a couple of days, thus not staying punctual.  Since I love to make excuses, I have a couple perfect ones.  While shopping for a 767 foot Christmas tree, I was too exhausted after negotiations with the lumber broker and my wife to write about anything. The lumber broker actually wanted us to pay 100 dollars for the stick, and my wife actually thought it would fit in our house.  We are having family over for Christmas and I believe she was anticipating the tree should have the same ratio value as the turkey or roast beast.  Since 13 people will attend Christmas dinner, I figure a 30 pound turkey will suffice.  She thought, since 13 people will be here for a Christmas Celebration, we must have a 767 foot tree to make everyone happy.  Since we only had decorative accommodations for the 6 foot tree I could find for free in our backyard, this required another 100 dollars and 200 minutes at Target.  Tempers were growing and a man meltdown was ensuing.

After cutting 12 feet off of the tree, I managed  to cram it into our house.  Then in comes “A Very Elvis Christmas CD” and lights which are supposed to make me nostalgic and merry.  It was 24 hours ago when I began wrapping the lights around the tree.  I now sit before you writing this crappy piece because I need to be punctual.

The tree and I have kissed and made up, but more importantly, I wish to apologize to my friend, Vic, for not being punctual.  He was right.

Stay tuned for mediocrity.

Ben

Wishful Blogging

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As we all know, Christmas is right around the corncob pipe, so we can all develop our Christmas lists of items, or in my case, just simply magical ideas to hope for this holiday season.

1) I wish our 2 dogs and 2 cats could sleep, just once, past four in the morning.

2) I wish our cats knew the difference between cat boxes and carpet boxes.

3) I wish my mother could get brand new ears enabling us to have a phone conversation unlike this: Ben: “Mom, I heard you are going to Alaska!”

Mom:  “What? You think I like Battle Star Galactica???”

4) I wish one of our neighbors would stop placing his yard waste, which isn’t yard waste, in our bin in the middle of the night.

5) I wish not to end up in jail if said neighbor does it again.

6) I wish my sister, Patricia, bless her soul, if only for a day, could text in a language known as English.

7) I wish it would finally rain in Seattle, thus ending this drought.

8) I wish my wife understood that two closets full of shoes just isn’t enough.

9) I wish some of our neighbors would acknowledge us by a different gesture other than two large middle fingers.

10) (this is another inside one, but many of us throughout the world have wonderful friends who could really use this gift) I wish my friend, Chuck, could learn how to swear a little more often.  He’s just so pious.

11) I wish I wasn’t surprised in the morning so often after eating asparagus the previous night.

12) I wish Sasquatch would stop by for some holiday cheer.  Knowing his celebrity status and how these hairy bipeds feel regarding pictures and autographs, I’d merely request a lock of his or her hair.  That would simply make all my lifelong thoughts and dreams a reality.  And, my wife would no longer think I am crazy.

And for the lucky number 13) I wish Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, and Tiger Woods would all show up caroling at our doorstep on Christmas Eve………just before descending on an escalator to Hell.

This is my humble list, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask.  I wish for no presents, not one.  If I could add one item to this list, and I think this is the only one that may be a stretch, I would wish for the Swedish Chef to prepare our holiday feast. For those Muppet fans, I’d try and write his tune so you could hum it in your heads, but my Swedish is a little off.  For those people who don’t know who this famed chef is, you may ignore this last part. I only know three words: Bork Bork Bork.

Happy Holidays

Leftovers

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Purple bread can sometimes be interesting, unless it has been in the pantry for several days.  I just went to the the store for fresh bread. My brother, Glenn, informed me purple bread may kill people if you feed it to them. The bread had been in the pantry since the last millennium. It’s like a Great White Shark.  They are nice fellows, but they may accidentally kill you.  These sandwiches may not kill us, but these leftovers are good.

Thanks for the Turkeys

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Our family celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday by allowing 13 additional ghosts, I mean guests, I mean  people in our home.   This included three dogs and two felines.  I guess that makes it 18. Why? Why?  Why?  (Where were Nancy Kerrigan and her nemesis when we needed them the most?) That’s a bad Olympic joke, but if you google it, you’ll get it.

Honestly, I think we had a wonderful time.  My wife’s favorite memory wasn’t the turkeys, the stuffing, or the dressing.  She loved the laughter, but she also loved me not having a meltdown, much like an undisclosed member of our family.  She also loved me sitting down to watch a game with my brother, Jerry.  She knew I could relax.  Thanks, Jerry.

I didn’t have to start the guests’ engines like my father used to do resulting in their funny departure.  Remarkably, I really didn’t want anyone to leave.

Onward to Christmas.  I don’t care who shows up.  As long as there is laughter and love, who really cares about the food?…….other than me.  (the turkeys turned out pretty good, but the gravy and guests were better).

Ben