Happy Halloween…bad economy….no potato famine

Halloween can sometimes be tricky. That’s a horrible and non punny introduction.  However, today I was researching treats people may hand out on this sacred day recognizing ghosts, goblins, murderers, the devil, dash in a sprinkle of a child dressed as a nice hobo or perhaps a pirate who kindly pillages and plunders, a broom flying witch (no, I am not referring to my former principal) and a guy dressing up as Steve.  He is my Irish brother.

Sleepy Hallow was about a legend known as “The Headless Horseman”.  My brother, Steve, is about a legend known as Steve.  Legend has it, and I confirmed it earlier this morning, he did something absolutely deplorable and despicable one Halloween evening while living alone in his house 30 some odd years ago.

This is not for the faint of heart, so look away or run away if you are a bit squeamish.  My brother, Steve, is a bit of a health nut.  He enjoys an occasional beer, but candy really isn’t his cup of cavity.  Therefore, while living in his humble rock house, he thought  giving out raw potatoes providing nutrients to children would be far more important than providing candy corn and apples riddled with razor blades.  That part is true.  This next legendary part I’m hoping is true.  One of those raw potatoes went flying and crashing through one of his windows that Halloween night, thus costing him more than a bag of Barber Shop Bubble Gum.  Who knows?  The culprit could possibly have  been one of his younger brothers.

Tonight, I am dressing up as Steve.  That will scare the Halloween out of everyone.  They won’t be getting potatoes, but, much like Steve, they will receive a laugh, a smile, and sadly, a few cavities.

Have a safe evening and enjoy the fun memories of Halloween.  …….(unless you are a boyfriend who doesn’t enjoy watching his girlfriend dressing up as a prostitute).

Game 6

Witnessing great baseball games has been a theme for my baseblogs.  I will keep this short, weird and a bit confusing. Previously, I wrote about a World Series game my father and I watched 23 years ago, not necessarily changing my life, but for one evening, definitely providing a bunch of fun.

Game 6 of the World Series ended last night in the bottom of the 11th inning on a walk off home run by St. Louis Cardinal David Freese.  The St. Louis Cardinals were not the team my wife and I were hoping to win.  As very spiritual people, we were praying for them to lose.  As most common people know, God, Jesus, Bud-ah, Beelzebub, and Mormon Young watch all of these ballgames, even on Sunday.  They were all partying last night because of the fun it provided for so many people.

The home run leads the two teams to game seven of the series and my wife and I are rooting for the Texas Rangers.  My gambling background believes I irritated the Baseball Gods by thinking the Rangers had it won in the 9th inning of the game last night.  To all the gamblers betting on the Rangers that evening, I hold full responsibility for saying, “This game is over”.  I was already eating a bratwurst while celebrating before what I thought was to be the last pitch dictating the outcome of the game.  For St. Louis Cardinal fans…….you’re welcome.

Other than wanting and trying to believe in Sasquatch, UFO’s and other ridiculous supernatural phenomenons, after watching Game 6 of The World Series last night with my wife,I had to question my insanity. During the game, we believed the stars were colliding and weird things were happening.  I guess you could refer to it as a moment of Baseball Clarity.  At the end of the game, my thought was, “Are you World Serious?”  If the well respected Bill Shatner would have been present in our living room, he would have said something profound like, “We have gone where no team has gone before.”  That’s a little dramatic, but for a goofball like me, that’s how goofy I was last night.

For stars colliding, convening, and sometimes convincing, the Cardinals have some strange Karma I don’t want to believe.  It’s much like not wanting to believe in ghosts.  No thank you.  Will you go to some other house?  You scare me.  I’m not betting on the Cardinals to lose because they scare me.  (That, and our stock has decreased significantly over the last couple of days)

Last night’s game was arguably one of the greatest World Series games in history.  Tonight’s game may be anticlimactic.  Who knows?  As a baseball observer for many years, it has been the most interesting and fun post season I’ve ever witnessed.

When I wrote about another wonderful World Series game occurring 23 years ago, the home run hero was wearing the number 23.  Last night’s hero was wearing number 23. Twenty three years ago, Tony Larussa, was the opposing manager to the man crushing the game winning home run, thus crushing the team’s spirits so many years ago.  Tony Larussa is now the manager of The St. Louis Cardinals who is defying many odds and strikes.

I really hope Texas wins tonight, and I think they should, but strange things happen in this wacky world.  My gambling money will remain in my pocket this evening.

By the way, I’ve never bet on baseball.  I just wildly enjoy the sport.  Just ask my wife.

Watch Game 7.

Ben

Cereal :(

So I was sitting around drinking breast milk the other day and I thought to myself, at 24 years old, this may be a bit too old to drink breast milk.  I am a Master Jedi when it comes to doing stupid things.  Allow me to explain.

My mother-in-law, sister-in-law, including her fascinating infant, were in town over last week and we had a magical few days together. Britt’s nephew, who we shall refer to as Ty Bone, a six month old dynamo, became a bit fussy about eating. Ty Bone required a bit of coaxing to finish his breakfast one morning. Remembering the days of my brother, Steve, eating dog food from our mother’s kitchen, I decided to take over, thinking Gerber’s Cream of Wheat couldn’t be that awful. Evidently,when children, which I have none of, see an imbecile eating something, they tend to throw down their arms and eat it too.  Ty Bone needed to eat.  While being a Great Uncle, I showed this beautiful young boy how to eat. After sampling Ty Bones brunch, there was a tang I couldn’t quite identify.  It turns out that “Gerber’s Cream of Wheat” was actually cream of  boob.  I didn’t know mothers placed breast milk in baby food.  As a simpleton, I only thought babies drank the stuff in closed doors, or solitary confinement.

Trish, my sister-in- law, was extremely kind and funny when she said, “Do you know what you just ate?”  I told her I ate some Gerber’s food to persuade your son to eat.  She then told me what additional garnishes were sprinkled in the food.  I then excused myself to the nearest bathroom.

Not only embarrassed, accidentally drinking breast milk for the second time, I felt horrible for Trish’s husband, currently fighting for us overseas, not being the first adult to try it out.  Sorry, Nick.

As a male married with no children, I was forced to further research this important subject.  When I do research, I text, tweet, or rotary dial certain qualified individuals possibly possessing more knowledge about profound subjects.  The responses were astonishing.  I did not know this was a common occurrence for mankind.  I will again change names to protect the disgusting fathers and husbands.

Pat:  Oh yeah, I tried it.  It was a little thick, but I drink whole milk, and her’s is a lot cheaper.

Chris: I need it before I go to sleep at night.  (he is thirty years old)

Ben:  I am going to stick with Lucerne Skim Milk.

Ty Bone:  Just give me a boob and I’m fine.  Don’t give me any of that Gerber crap.

I am so glad I don’t remember my days as an infant.

The World Series and My Dad

Some of you may know that the first game of the World Series begins tonight between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers.  Many of you may respond by saying, “what, huh?”  Or, “Who Cares?”  Well, I do care because it represents a memorable and significant evening I shared with my late and great father 23 years ago.

In the 1988 World Series, my beloved Los Angeles Dodgers were playing the “Unbeatable” Oakland Athletics.  The heavily favored A’s were predicted to win the series quite easily in a 4 game knockout sweep.  Not too keen on being, once again, athletically disappointed, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to witness the Dodgers getting the crap kicked out of them.  Therefore, I was somewhat easily persuaded by three of my friends to attend a high school dance that Saturday evening.  After mentioning game one of the World Series was on that night, they really didn’t care.  They had girls in their, I mean on their minds.

Only a sophomore in high school, I still had to run things by my father and mother before sneaking out of the house.  So, when asking dad if I could attend this dance that evening, he pondered my request for less than a second and said, “Negative…..You will be watching the World Series with your mother and me tonight.  The memories of this game will be far more important later in your life than a half ass ridiculous high school dance where you’ll just end up getting in some sort of trouble.  You need to focus on school and sports…….not girls”.  He couldn’t have been more right or prophetic that magnificent Fall evening.

Now, when my father said to any of his seven sons they were not allowed to do something, arguing was simply not an option.  His word was Stone Cold Gospel.  When he told his six daughters they were not allowed to do something, they didn’t quite cower to him like the boys.  They were always far tougher and a little more outspoken than us.  They still remain the same.  (I’m only still friends with them because I am afraid of them)

Secretly, wanting to watch the game, it was easy to tell my peers I would be unavailable for The West Valley High White Dance Down.  They knew, and liked my father, but also knew when Rodney E. Gannon said, “no”, …well that was that. They just strolled out of our living room without much to say but, “sorry”.

Now for the boring details of the game:  Kirk Gibson played for the LA Dodgers that year and was apparently ferociously competitive.  He helped lead them to the World Series even though suffering numerous injuries during the course of this long season.  His knee injuries did not allow him to start in the first game of that World Series.  That was disappointment number one for dad and me.  Early on in the game, a very respected man in the baseball community (steroids) known as Jose Conseco, (I hope I spelled his name wrong) hit a grand slam putting the A’s up 4-0. That was disappointment number two.  I’m glad my mother’s clam dip was so good that night because it was the only thing keeping me from running away from home.

Much like baseball, a son only gives his father three chances before saying, “I’m Out”. He was down to his last disappointment strike.  While stuffing myself with chips and dip, trying to ignore the game, I noticed the Dodgers were making an attempt to come back and make a game out of this debacle.  With Kirk Gibson, not even on the bench, but in the training room, barely able to walk, the Dodgers chipped away at the A’s lead making it 4-3 in the bottom of the ninth.  It was then when Kirk Gibson asked the batboy to get him a batting tee.  The manager, Tommy Lasorda, also known as Tommy Lasagna (he once claimed to have never turned down food ending with a vowel) had no intentions of allowing this hobbling athlete to enter the game.  However, down to their last out facing Dennis Eckersley, thee most feared closing pitcher in the game, he considered putting Gibson in as a pinch hitter.  With two outs, and nobody on base, a lesser known player, Mike Davis, drew a walk.  Thus, the winning run would come to the plate.  Lasorda beckoned for Kirk Gibson.  Unable to run, a game winning home run was the only option.  On a three and two count, with fifty thousand fans screaming, Gibson jacked a backdoor slider into the right field stands of Dodger Stadium for the game winning home run sending the loyal followers into a high five frenzy.  It was his last at bat of the series.

The Dodgers went on to beat the “unbeatable” Oakland A’s to win the World Series.  I couldn’t thank my dad more for keeping me home that evening.

We celebrated by having mom’s Saturday evening burgers and making fun of the fools inevitably getting their hearts broken at that coveted dance.  I didn’t sneak out that night.  I also realized that dad wasn’t being a tyrant keeping me home.  He just wanted to watch the game with the last of his seven boys.  That was one hell of a memorable moment, not just for baseball, but for a father and son who didn’t always see eyeball to eyeball.

After my last and closest brother left for college, I was left alone with mom and dad for those high school years and it wasn’t always easy for any of us.  After that evening, dad and I became a little closer.

That was 23 years ago, almost to this day.  Ironically, or coincidentally, Kirk Gibson was wearing the number 23 that night.

Baseball Moments – Footage of Gibson\’s World Series Pinch Hit

Pumpkin Police

Sarcasm is a wonderful weapon when it’s used properly upon others.  When it’s tossed back at you with wicked power, it can be equally effective.

I write so I can help pay the rent.  If I wrote to make a ton of money, I don’t think I’d see, hear, or have any contact with earthlings I enjoy……i.e…..relatives, friends, and even an occasionally friendly neighbor.

Britt (AKA…Yoko Gannon) and I recently moved to a new neighborhood, thus befriending and defriending members of the community.  Sir John Ellingson and his wife have welcomed my wife, Britt, and I into this humble neighborhood.  His wife, Megan, and their daughter, Emma (AKA…Peanut) have also made us feel welcome.  They bake us magnificent banana bread, prepare terrific omelets and invite us to their daughter’s dance and ballet classes.  Genuinely, and without any sarcastic tone, they are great people.  John actually irritates me because he is taller, maintains more hair, stays in shape, has a good job, is a great father and is just generally better than me.  He also has a sense of humor and sense of dry wit, making mine sound infantile.

Britt, Megan, John, Emma, Chris, (John’s friend) and I had some appetizers the other night at their house.  John was a bit irritated with me because I don’t update my blog enough.  I tried to explain why my updates aren’t always up to date.  My editor always wishes to read my blogs before sending them to the world.

John is a man who knows I stay at home attempting to write.  He also knows there are times when I just get to take the dogs to the park and prepare dinner for Britter Bear Gannon. One recent day, while suffering from writer’s blockage, I purchased two pumpkins so I could surprise Britt with my carving talents.  Britt happily and proudly described my artistic prowess with the pumpkins to John.  In a needle like fashion, John responded, much like the mayor of West Seattle,….”so Ben just sits at home and carves pumpkins all day”?

I don’t get offended easily.  I get offended really easily.  If I had balls below the waist, it would have been considered a low blow.  Since I don’t have balls below the waist, I merely interpreted it as verbal slander.

John, my new, and perhaps ex friend, works long hours. I wave him goodbye when he leaves for work.   Other than making fun of baseball teams I root for, he supports my writing and motivates me to be a good husband, and eventually and hopefully, some day, a good father.  There will never be another “Peanut”, but maybe someday, Britt and I will have a Cashew.

I shall now provide a picture displaying the 8 working hours, or 8 seconds it took to create these Halloween monuments.  Easter Island, The Pyramids of Egypt, The Sphincter, all close seconds to my master pieces.  These may be the eighth and ninth wonders of the world.  How many wonders of the world exist?  Sorry.  I don’t trust Wikipedia.

Super Heroes

I’ve always wanted to be a super hero.  Who doesn’t?  If we could assist distressed and endangered women, men, children and impatient travelers, what could be better? Unfortunately, with my lack of super powers such as the capacity to fly, invisibility, inhuman strength, good looks, underwater communication with sea creatures, not to mention the lack of funds to purchase cool cars and shark repellent, I have become a super zero.  I don’t even have it in me to buy pepper spray.  This brings me to the sad transitional point.  Pepper spray doesn’t necessarily make you a Super Hero.

Recently, and I am serious, there has been an odd trend of “Real Life Super Heroes” floating around the country.  It has become an enigma only I have time to ponder.  Specifically, according to the papers, Seattle based,  these are ordinary people roaming certain jurisdictions attempting to keep the peace.  They fabricate costumes, such as masks, fake abs, capes, and most importantly, their special unique power which apparently no earthly being possesses, pepper spray.  THIS IS NOT A SUPER POWER!  It works when jogging down 1st and Pike St. when someone asks you for a handout, but in a crowd of drunken sailors who just wish to partake in a friendly fight, jumping in with pepper spray is only going to get your ass kicked by the only drunken sailor avoiding the spray.  People, so I’m told, even have witnessed bears doused with this substance only to wipe it off and develop a use of the English Language saying, ” ok, it’s go time”.  Yikes.

According to The Seattle Times, a man referred to in the “real life fantasy world” as “Phoenix Jones” designed a mask, suit, tie, and cape to fight crime only with pepper spray.  A Youtube video displays him sprinting in, said costume, attempting to break up a fight prompting him to pepper spray men and women before assessing the situation.   Observers and police officers noted that the men and women were merely dancing  after a fun evening of partying.  The video progresses to this masked crime fighter attempting to break up this street clearing brawl of talking and dancing only to retreat from a middle aged woman wielding a shoe while beating the hell out of him.  Luckily, for Phoenix Jones, his plastic helmet saved him from ultimate demise.  He then escaped in an SUV.

Police apprehended “Phoenix Jones” later that morning.  He was booked for assault with a “hurtful and made someone cry weapon” and was released shortly after his companion, and partner in crime fighting, “Sun City Jones”, posted bail.  His face was revealed, but I will spare him further embarrassment from posting a picture of this formerly masked crusader.  I will, however, poke a little fun of what he could have been doing at the time to save our nation with pepper spray.

Have you ever seen a man or woman take a penny out of that sacred penny jar at the inconvenient store?  Pepper spray his or her ass, including the clerk.  Have you ever been sickened by the mother of three children illegally sampling a grape at a grocery store? Don’t just pepper spray her, pepper spray the children, and just to get you in the hall of fame of justice, pepper spray all the fruits and veggies surrounding this evil mother of three, thus poisoning any others who commit such crimes.   That will be an eye and mouth opening experience for those who steal 2 ounces of produce while still in the store.  Jaywalking! Spray that Grandma until she actually knows where she is!  Where is Phoenix Jones when we need him!!!??

Honestly, I hope these real life comedians, or heroes have great intentions.  However, if you are only armed with pepper spray and good intentions, may God be with you.  You may run into some of my friends who aren’t so kind.  Let’s leave it up to the police to pop a cap in anyone’s ass.  At least they are licensed to do so.

Nine One One Nick

Years ago, there was a TV show titled, “Kids say the Darndest Things”.  This was a gentle way of avoiding the obvious, more honest title, “Kids say the dumbest things”.  For adults, we do observe many cute phrases spewing from the mouths of children.  Additionally for adults, we observe many stupid phrases spilling out of fellow adults’ jaws.  I am no exception to this rule, and I have often been on both sides.  Yet, this little story is not about me.  It is about a young man known as Nicholoueaus Young.  Since his parents were so elated and delusional at the time of his birth, they couldn’t imagine a more difficult spelling for the name Nick.  Or, they just wanted to despise teachers for inevitably misspelling his name while grading his papers.  I will spare us all pain, suffering and glaucoma by only using the name Nick.

Only knowing Nick as an adult and my brother in law, I can confirm that he is now a very intelligent, witty, hard working man currently serving in the Navy fighting to maintain our freedom.  Stories I hear about him as a youth display him as a fun, silly young boy who possessed a great deal of knowledge regarding his childhood rights, yet didn’t know much about phones.  Evidently, Nick had, at the tender age of 5,6, or 7, committed the heinous crime of using a permanent marker to create his own form of graffiti on the hallowed walls of his home.  Details are a bit sketchy here, but apparently his parents sent him to his room.  For a young boy who wishes to be outside pretending he is Indiana Jones, this is much like being sent to San Quentin.  The punishment didn’t seemingly fit the crime.

Knowing his rights as a child, Nick was convinced this was a form of child abuse.  Thus, in a fit of rage, he screamed, “THIS IS CHILD ABUSE………..WHAT’S THE NUMBER FOR NINE ONE ONE?????????!!!”.

I wish he would have called 411 for directory assistance to ask about that strange location of 911.  Now that would have been simply rich.

Side note:  Upon being released from his bedroom , his record and room remained clean…………right up to the moment when he was upset at his parents once again and poured cologne into his step-dad’s Stetson Cowboy hat.  So, faced with two choices, being confined to a bedroom for the remainder of his life or joining the Navy, Nick chose the Navy.

I wonder if they still have brigs??

Legitimate Baseball Emergency

Trying to maintain some aspect of originality, I usually don’t quote many authors or stories that aren’t mine, my family’s, my friends and or enemies.  However, after reading the following story in The Seattle Times this morning, I thought it was worth sharing.  You don’t have to be a baseball enthusiast to appreciate it.  I hope it’s true.

“A 97-year-old- Wisconsin man called 911 because he couldn’t find his TV remote and wanted to watch the Brewers’ playoff game,” noted Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World Herald, “Considering that he is 97 and how often the Brewers make the playoffs, I say the call is justified.”

It reminded me of some wise old Seniors I know well.  Baseball can also be funny.

Yankees and number 13

I don’t hate anyone.  Personally, I’m just too worried about my wife and myself to have the time to hate people.  I do, however, acquire a lack of respect with certain people and sometimes athletes.  Last night’s game between the Yanks and the Tigers made me sleep well.

There will  be no names mentioned regarding this subject, because quite frankly, the names are not worthy of mentioning.  I will mention numbers.  The number 13 is very important to my wife and me.  Strangely, it represents many wonderful things in our life.  For anyone who knows me, they may understand this statement.

Seeing people fail is never fun.  However, when they wear the number 13 on their back, and have been proven to have taken drugs which makes that person much richer than me, I get a little irritated.  Sadly, my wife and I happily rejoiced when number 13 struck out to end the game.

I am now going to confession, because that was mean.

Baseball enthusiast……..But not a lover of the Yankees